a collection of facts & feelings: february

Sometimes there is nothing better than spending an evening lying in bed watching Friends re-runs on DVD.

Last week at my substitute teaching orientation, I won a raffle. I think that's probably my first time to win anything. Ever.

Also at last week's substitute teaching orientation, at one point our presenter said (for whatever reason), "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," and the woman next to me replied, That shit ain't true. I got a now six-year old from my last trip to Vegas. Shoot. Wow.

Having Yeah 3x as my ringtone hasn't diminished my love for that song, which has been a delightful surprise. It's pretty great.

I'm over snow days.

I don't even recognize you anymore, Dallas.

I got hit on at a high school today. Twice. And should I have corrected the young men, reprimanding them regarding the inappropriateness of speaking to a teacher in that manner? Probably. But did I? Absolutely not. I think I said thanks and winked. Who's inappropriate now? Oops.

Two of my closest friends both have birthdays next week and I couldn't be more excited. :) Yay February birthdays!

Living not at home (even temporarily) is strange and I hate how unstable my life feels as of late, but I have to admit there's something refreshing about moving out, even if it is only for a week. Or two. Or who knows. What a mess.

Sometimes I'm appalled by how unhealthily I eat. Embarrassing.

My biggest fears? Falling into insurmountable debt, being fat, and braving the deaths of the people I love most. Shudder.

Speaking of people I love the most, I had a startling, possibly terrible revelation the other day: I'm not a big family person. I suppose I should explain lest everyone start casting virtual stones, but I'm not really sure I understand it either. My familial relationships have been pretty transitive, with the exception of my mother and a few others. My parents split when I was five, I've had two step-dads since then, and my real father and I haven't spoken in nearly three years. Where's the connection, the bond? What's family about that?

My mother and I are in the middle of a battle. I'll give you that much. And she said something to me last weekend that I've been thinking about ever since: she said, You're not a part of this family. What she meant is that I don't act as I'm a part of our family. And you know what? She's probably right. I'm fairly independent (see: only child, raised by a single mother) and my familial life has been fairly inconsistent. I'm not pointing fingers and I don't blame anyone for that; it's just the way things are, have always been. And as a result I feel disconnected from the idea of family.

I love my parents and grandparents and aunt and uncles and cousins. I really do. And I'm not saying I don't feel close to or bonded with them. It's just that...there's something terrifyingly intimate about family and over the years I feel as if something inside me has shifted away from that intimacy. I want all those things; I want family and togetherness and unity, but, I'll just say it: I want it on my own terms.

How horrible does that make me?

I've been struggling a lot this week with those thoughts and revelations. Mitch and I had a big heart to heart the other night over it, and let me be clear: I can't wait to have a family with that man. I really can't, and nothing about that scares me. I suppose what I'm looking forward to the most about the life and family Mitch and I will one day create is that we'll get to do things our way, and hopefully we can avoid a lot of the mistakes our own parents and families have made.

I realize this has gotten a bit deep and jumbled, but my heart is heavy, my mind cluttered.

It's just strange to wake up one day and see yourself in such a new, unflattering light. And I'm not completely sure what to do with these thoughts. Do I fix them? How? Do I even want to?

See what I mean?

Mind = cluttered. Ugh.

And on that note, I know only God can bring clarity...but when?