so you need to wait out a tornado warning...

Hello, friends! If you:

• have stupidly gone out to a bar on Tuesday night even though your kickball game is canceled and there's the threat of bad weather
• find yourself not only twenty miles from home, but also in the heart of a major city that's in the middle of a storm path

Or if you just like to laugh in the face of danger, ignore sirens and be an idiot, here are some things you need in order to expertly brave your way through a tornado warning.*

1. a 5th floor apartment with a sliding glass door and lots of windows
...because it's perfect for making you feel as unsafe as possible. Bonus: when it thunders, the doors and windows shake! Awesome!

It's just like a bomb shelter, only safer.

2. no TV or internet
...because when weathering a terrifying storm, it's ideal not to have access to any kind of news source. Bonus: if you try to listen to the radio via your iPhone or Android, you'll probably have to sit through six minutes of commercials before it'll tell you that a tornado's heading straight for your part of town. Goody!

Fuck it. We don't need this shit.

3. jugs of sangria
...because you're bored and there's nothing fancier than drinking booze you've found stored in someone's bathroom. Tip: best when consumed from the actual jug (there's no need to class it up).

Relax. It's just a tornado.

4. Apples to Apples
...because it's the greatest game ever invented. Seriously. That's not an exaggeration, and to all the people out there who think it's stupid, YOU'RE STUPID. And wrong. Tip: winning cards include Helen Keller, Anne Frank, Brad Suggs and, you would think, the JFK assassination. Warning: There are some people who think that running a goddamned marathon is more horrifying than the JFK assassination. These people are terrorists.



5. Homies
...because no one likes to brave this shit alone. Warning: some homies may not be able to handle the dramatic combination of severe weather, sangria & card games and may become belligerent, arguing that Jack the Ripper is more graceful than (my well-played choice of) Eleanor Roosevelt because he "had to be limber to murder all those people," all while sloshing fruity wine on you.

pictured: people with a plan but who will still forget their keys & cell phones in a crisis; not pictured: Mitchell and the beer he carried everywhere he went


There you have it, y'all. If nothing else, this'll entertain you for the several hours you're trapped away from your homes and give you a few stories to tell later as your friends sober up and can't remember all the Eleanor Roosevelt/lesbian comments they made.

PS: Seriously, though, everything's fine here. All have been accounted for and no serious damage was suffered. Thanks for the tweets and prayers. :)



*You should NOT do these things if you sense any extreme danger in your future. Just go sit in a stairwell or something.