It’s the thing I’ve been avoiding ever since I moved back home nineteen months ago (oh god, NINETEEN MONTHS AGO I MOVED BACK HOME someone please kill me slash sorry, Mom and Dad). I’ve tried to make it photographing and subbing but since both of those are seasonal, I knew that when summer hit things were going to be a bit, ahem, tight. After my Thursday morning orientation as a summer counselor, I realized that only working camp wasn’t going to be enough.
So I tucked my tail between my legs.
And drove to Sonic.
And asked for my old job back.
I tried to promise myself when I graduated that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t go back. It’s not that it’s a bad job – it’s just, it’s the job I had in high school. I’m supposed to be better than that now, right? I have a degree from an incredible university. Shouldn’t that be enough to keep me out of fast-food?
Turns out it’s not.
And I’m trying to be okay with that.
I woke up Friday morning with Adele’s Chasing Pavements randomly playing over and over and over in my head. The lyrics made (and still make) me wonder, should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if leads nowhere? Trying to be a teacher for almost two years now, trying to just get by in the meantime by subbing and working summer jobs, trying to wait it out so I don’t have to give up on my dream…is it stupid? Am I being stupid?
Some days (okay, most days) I feel the pressure to “grow up” and get a “proper” job. I feel like a bum, a loser substitute who’s just not good enough to be a “real” teacher. I feel like I should take a job with a salary, with benefits, with 9 to 5 hours so I can be like my friends, so I can get my own place, so I can be, well, “normal.”
But I’m just not a desk job kind of girl.
The thought of working in an office makes me (metaphorically) break out into hives. And okay, sure, maybe I’m a little gun-shy about offices and cubicles and fluorescent lighting because my first “grown up job” was such a fucking nightmare, but I don’t think that’s just it. I think that in general, it’s just not for me. I need to be mentally engaged, physically active, up & walking around, talking to people, doing something new every day.
Does that make me flighty?
Or free-spirited?
Lazy? Or dynamic?
All I know is I can’t lead a life crunching numbers or filing faxes or taking memos. And I’d rather be somewhat unhappy with where I live and happy with my work than happy with where I live and miserable forty hours a week.
So because I gave up an interview for a “proper" job and instead found myself face-to-face with a summer position that’s turned out to be part-time, I had to swallow my pride and go back to the basics. My roots, you might say. And you know what? It’s not so bad. I felt weird walking back into the store after a five year hiatus and it’s sort of strange not knowing most of the girls who work there now, but it also kind of feels like home. It feels like a job I can do (and do well) because it is. Yea, that’s right: I kind of kick ass at Sonic-ing.
See? I’m trying to focus on the whole gotta-make-that-dolla aspect of the situation as opposed to obsessing over the fact that I’m 24 and working at the same job I did at 16. Yikes.
And while I’ve mentioned before how much I sucked (read: was ugly and judgmental) in those days, I do feel a little like sixteen-year-old me again, meaning I should probably call up my high school boyfriend so we can awkwardly make out in his bunk bed or the back of his ’98 Ford Explorer. I’m sure his wife won’t mind.
Good times.
But back to my original question: am I kidding myself with pursuing a career in education? To be honest, my gut tells me I probably am. My gut tells me it’s going to be years before education is back to a place where alternatively certified teachers (like me) have a better shot at being hired. But (and get ready for some grade A cheese, y’all) my heart just won’t let me let go. I feel like a teacher even though I’m not employed as one, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have something of value to bring to kids.
So.
Do I struggle in the meantime, sacrifice my wants, and ultimately continue to put my life on hold, waiting for the right school, the right principal, the right students to take a chance on me, whenever that may be?
Or am I just chasing pavements?
