for Christmas my grandmother decided to dress me like a pimp

My grandmother, God love her, has the strangest taste.

I should qualify that statement by saying that when it comes to dishes, home décor, and her own clothing, she has impeccable taste. Really just fantastic. But because we (she and I) are such different people, the things she chooses to buy me are often...iffy.

Or in this case, pimp-like.

Shudder.

A few hours before everyone was supposed to arrive at our house for Christmas Eve festivities, my grandmother swung by to drop off all her gifts (because they were already in her car and she just couldn't bear the thought of leaving them in her trunk unsupervised). Sweetheart, I found the most fabulous outfit the other day. I thought you could wear it to a New Years Eve party!, she gushed.

Now, I was wary because I know her penchant for purchasing interesting items, but really, I wasn't prepared for the reality of the situation.

I'll just kiss my dignity goodbye and show you this:


HOLY SHIT, GRANDMA.

I.

Look.

So.

Fat.

Also, I'm planning on stoning my mother later for making me pose this way. That angle does not work for my body. Wtf.


In case you're having a hard time taking your eyes off the ensemble as a whole, let me break it down for you. This fashion-forward look can be yours by stopping at your local Dillard's and purchasing:

one silky black top
one black COMPLETELY SEQUINED Tuxedo jacket
one black fur "bomber jacket"
one pair gray-black JEGGINGS
one jaunty black cabbie-style cap, complete with black sequined band & bow

My mom said I looked like a hooker. I really felt more like a sassy gay cab driver, possibly native to Reno. Mitch said he still loved me, so he's obviously a keeper, although the next thing he said was could he please also try on the jeggings?

Mitch had just come from the ballet, where he was starring in Peter Pan. Also, check out those sexy tennis-toned legs. Meowww.

Marry me.

You see, my grandmother had bought two pairs, being unsure what size I wore.

This was clearly the perfect opportunity for Mitch and I dress like a lesbian couple.


Merry Christmas!

We showed my grandmother these pictures later. She apologized and took the clothes back. Thanks, Grandma.