for anna

I've mentioned my intense love of Relient K before, as well as the fact that the acoustic version of Be My Escape is my favorite song of all time. Seriously. I never ever skip over it on my iPod, so I mean, that says a lot.

Anyway, I just wanted to share it with all of y'all, as well as my friend Anna (who I know loves me and faithfully stalks this blog, haha).

Oh, and sorry the video is clips from Grey's Anatomy set to music? I don't know. Whatev.


I've been housing all this doubt & insecurity and I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key.


Enjoy. :)

all the while You hold the key

I've given up on giving up slowly. I'm blending in so you won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate. This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption 'cause I know to live you must give your life away. I've been housing all this doubt & insecurity, and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key. I've been dying to get out, that might be the death of me, and even though there's no way of knowing where to go, I promise I'm going because I've gotta get out of here.

I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. I've gotta get outta here, and I'm begging you, begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

I've given up on doing this alone now 'cause I failed and I'm ready to be shown how. You've told me the way, and now I'm trying to get there. And this life sentence that I'm serving, I admit that I'm every bit deserving, but the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair.

I've been housing all this doubt & insecurity, and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key. I've been dying to get out, that might be the death of me, and even though there's no way of knowing where to go, I promise I'm going because I've gotta get out of here. I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake. I've gotta get outta here, and I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity, self-detained and forced to live in this mess I've made. And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me, but I can't ask you to give what you already gave.

I fought you for so long, I should've let you in. Oh, how we regret those things we do. And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, oh, but so were you.

mishmash: may

I honestly don't enjoy being moody, despite popular belief.

I don't like not liking my work. I don't like acting irritable when I get home because I'm frustrated by living with my parents. I don't like literally living for the weekends alone. That's silly and it's stupid. I try to give myself pep talks in order to remind myself that I do have the ability to adopt a more positive mindset. I really do.

...

take a good look at yourself & know

you've got yourself a ways to go

but difficult is not impossible

you can take back all the lost control

...

The words to the bridge of Relient K's Hope for Every Fallen Man (above) always bring me such peace and comfort. From time to time I need a reminder that yes, I've got a ways to go but no, difficult isn't impossible and I can take back all the lost control.

And besides, there really is so much to be grateful for. The next several weekends are going to be busy and wonderful. College Station for my best friend Kristin's graduation. Briarwood Semi-formal. Yoga classes. Roadtrip to Mandevilla/NOLA with Mitch over Memorial weekend. :) Free Press Summer Fest music festival in Houston. My brother's wedding/open bar reception. DrUncle Sam 4th of July Party Barge on Lake Conroe. Family reunion. Briarwood floats tha rivaaa. There will be wonderful times with wonderful friends and I am most definitely thankful for that.

In other news, today I am especially grateful for weekends spent watching my boyfriend kick ass in tennis tournaments. I was such the proud fan. :)

and i don't get this, & i know why

I don't like the steps I took to get to look into your deepest feelings
And I don't like the place I'm in
Head space within the hardwood and the ceiling

I've been thinking a lot lately (whaaat?) about a myriad of things, but one thing in particular that's occupied my mind has been forgiveness.


'Cause if I'm restless than why do I want nothing but to rest my soul?
And I don't get this, & I know why
You see, sometimes things are just beyond control

I don't mind
But I'm not surprised to find that you do
And I feel fine, but I know the same does not apply to you

Well, that's not exactly right... Not really forgiveness, but I guess...enemies? I don't think I really have any. I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, although I couldn't pinpoint anything I've really done. Wow, that's not to say I'm perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that I may be difficult and I may be demanding but overall I think I'm a good person & I think I do good things.

Anyway...

It's very painful for me to hate people. I don't really hate anyone, actually...except for Lee Grimes and yes, friends, I'm publicly declaring that! Enjoy, Kristin. What I'm trying to say, though, is that it makes me feel so guilty to dislike people or think badly of them. Are we not all so easily capable of making mistakes? Being selfish? Hurtful? Ignorant? Of course. I know I've done stupid things, said hurtful things, acted awfully. I'm so grateful for my friends' forgiveness (and love) in spite of all the times I deserved it the least. It's realizations such as that, that I'm loved and forgiven when I've been so bad, which turn my heart and make me want to reach out to others in the same fashion.

Because I can relate.

And in some situations, perhaps I can relate better than anyone.

It's not an issue of pride or bitterness that keeps me from acting. I've worked very hard over the course of my life to erase bitterness and, well, the pride is a constant work in progress (but isn't that true for everyone?). What keeps me from opening my mouth, from making the encouraging gesture is principle. I can forgive with my whole heart, honestly, and still feel a check in my system about reaching out. Perhaps it's that they're not ready. Or that I'm not. Or that simply the timing's not right all around. I'm not sure...

Whatever the case may be, it gives me a lot of joy to be past bitterness.

And whenever the time feels right, I'll be here, available for whatever it is that happens next.


Not knowing which direction's the correct one
Do I discard or remake it?

'Cause if I don't know then I don't know
But I may know Someone who knows me more than I
And if I somehow could rest this soul
Maybe control could find it's way back to my life

PS: Curl Up & Die by Relient K, my #2 favorite song of all time. Say word.

timing

savannah, i hope to be there by the morning
and see this pining all transforming into the arms of the georgia sun
savannah, our backs support by a hammock
we sum up perfection like a handbook and god knows it all too well

At a later date I'll make a post simply about how Relient K is my very favorite band in the whole wide world, but for now I'll leave it at this: it's amazing to me how Relient K's albums have always provided me with whatever it was I have needed at the time they've been released. Isn't that incredible?

baby, i spent my life wondering
wondering when i'd find you
i searched for all these years & now you're right here
and i need you to know that
everything makes sense when you're with me

A few recent examples include my obsession with Five Score & Seven Years Ago (to be track specific, Must've Done Something Right) during my first go-round with love, The Nashville Tennis EP (track specific: Curl Up & Die, There Was No Thief ) during a difficultly sad summer, The Birds & the Bee Sides (track specific: Up and Up, Nothing Without You, Hope For Every Fallen Man) and Forget & Not Slow Down (track specific: all) the fall I came back to life. I love every album because they're all so unique with such different sounds, but the two I can still blast for days are The Nashville Tennis EP/The Birds & the Bee Sides and Forget & Not Slow Down. Just awesome music with even better lyrics.

savannah, walk out into the sultry evening
cotton breathing when the sea winds brush the hair down around your neck
savannah, you hold my hand like it's the first time
and all the feelings that our hearts find will be just what we expect

The trio Oasis/Savannah/Baby has always struck a chord with me, and I've been hooked all day. I keep waiting to grow tired of these songs, but it just doesn't seem to happen. :)

baby, it's all that i can do to thank you
'cause every time you wrapped those arms around me, i felt i was home