can't stop, won't stop: june (featuring the music of summer 2009)

In honor of summer (SUMMER!!), I decided to break from my normal format and instead do a flashback can’t stop/won’t stop featuring my favorite playlists of summers past. I’m also just feeling nostalgic (summer always has that affect on me) and wanted to indulge myself in a walk down memory lane.


First up, I present to you my Summer of 2009 Playlist:

• Love Game by Lady Gaga
• 3OH!3’s entire album, Want (but specifically Don’t Trust Me, I’m Not Your Boyfriend, Baby, and Richman*)
• Fireflies by Owl City (and, in fact, all of Owl City's Ocean Eyes album...IT'S FINE)
• Digital by T-Pain (“I don’t even care that he lives in a voicebox!”- Mitch Baker)
• Waking Up in Vegas by Katy Perry
• Hotel Room Service by Pitbull
• Birthday Sex by Jeremih (in honor of Mitch’s 21st, ie. a mostly-hilarious night for everyone involved, but less so for me as I was busy cleaning up vomit and assuring Mitch that he “didn’t do a bad job on his birthday” while he kept screaming, WHO DID THIS TO ME?!) (and later, very sadly, “…I did this to me…”)
• Sweet Pea by Amos Lee
• I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas (ughhhh I HATE this song now)
• Fire Burning by Sean Kingston (this is shameful, but true)
• Punk Goes Pop volume 2 (specifically Breathe Carolina’s cover of See You Again and The Cab’s cover of Disturbia)
  

Post-one million shots, pre-vomit.

Summer 2009 was a big one for me. It was my last summer as a college student, the summer I got Clark Kent, the summer I ran and didn’t hate it, the summer I drove down to Nacogdoches every other weekend, the summer I drove all the way to Arkansas just to see finally Relient K live, the summer of Daisy Dukes and dollar drinks and drunk make outs BECAUSE it was my last summer as a college student. It was the first summer Mitch and I spent together, the first time we drove to Houston for Free Press Summer Fest, the first time I really like-liked someone after thinking I’d never like-like anyone ever again.

PUPPY! :)

It’s the summer I came back to life.

I’ve mentioned before that I had a particularly difficult time after a break up, way back in the spring of 2009. Truth be told, it’s probably the lowest I’ve ever been in my entire life, and God, I hope the lowest I’ll ever feel. I definitely don’t want to go back to that place. Anyone who suffers from depression can attest to how hopeless you feel, like you will literally never be able to crawl out of bed, like you’ll never be happy again. I had stopped going to work. I dropped two classes and failed one. I no longer answered my phone. I regularly slept fifteen hours at a time. I spent every second possible in the solace of my room, feeling lost and inconsolable.

When I did go out, I tried to prove to myself and everyone else that I was fine by laughing too loud, drinking too much and generally pretending I didn’t give a shit about anything, least of all my broken heart.

I was, in a word, a mess.

But with summer came sunshine and a new beginning.

July 4th, 2009. Go Rangers!

It brought my friend Mitch who emailed me daily with work-out regimes and words of encouragement. It brought Clark, the world’s sweetest puppy, who gave me something to look after and someone to come home to. Summer brought a new will to live and the realization that this sorrow wouldn’t be forever. Summer brought a time of tentative happiness as I slowly but surely crawled out of my cave and faced the real world again, this time stronger and more self-assured than before. It wasn’t instant, but it was lasting.

I was back, baby.

Thank you, summer 2009. Thank you to the friends and wonderful times that made it what it was. It’s a time I always treasure, and I’m so grateful I lived to see that.

Impromptu library workers party. We like books!

Join me next month for can’t stop, won’t stop: july where I’ll feature my summer 2010 playlist. Whoop! :)



*Richman is one of my favorite songs of all time. IT GOES SO HARD. Listen to it now, please & thanks.

things i need to get better at in 2011

It’s a new year which means there’s no excuse to not at least make an attempt to revamp myself, right?

No, but seriously, I’ve never really been one to make resolutions (probably because I know I don’t stick with anything longer than a couple weeks…hey, at least I’m honest). Of course this is the year I want to be a runner, fifteen pounds thinner and overall a healthier version of myself. However, I have a borderline codependent relationship with Mexican food (it needs me, too), so the chances of a thinner/healthier me? Slim to none.

Acceptance, y’all.

And as far as running goes, I unfortunately associate running with punishment and, therefore, loathe it with every particle of my being. Thanks, junior high (TOWNSEND, TAKE A LAP.).

Nevertheless, in the spirit of embracing new beginnings, I came up with a list of things I need to get better at this year. Presenting:

Things I Need to Get Better at in 2011

1. Hiding my tattoo from my grandmother

Okay, this one is actually null and void now that my mother’s let the cat out of the bag. One of my parents’ conditions to not disowning me for getting a tattoo was to never, under any circumstances, let my grandmother see it. She’s old-fashioned, which is really just a nice way of saying incredibly uptight and judgmental. Sorry, Grandma. Anyway, I have gone to great lengths to always be wearing long sleeves or a bracelet that I have taken the time to TAPE INTO PLACE ON MY WRIST so as to not upset the delicate balance that is my family life, all to have this ruined on Christmas, when my mother loudly announced SHOW HER, ANDREA. SHOW YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHAT YOU’VE DONE. The she laughed at me. She may or may not have also called me white trash (and may or may not have been kidding). Well, you know what, Mom? Jokes on you ‘cause Grandma didn’t even care. SO SUCK ON THAT.


2. Managing my money

This’ll be short and sweet, lest I begin weeping at the thought of my financial state. I’m horrible with money (admittedly, it’s probably by choice…) and therefore end up spending money on things like beer and Whataburger at 2am as opposed to, oh, you know, gas and dog food. There comes a point every month where I literally find myself crying in Walmart because I’m broke and know I can’t buy that bag of Cheetos. Props to Mitch for always listening to the conversations that begin with OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS OVER OH MY GODDD. I’m a real treat.


3. Texting back

When it comes to communication, I’m the kind of person I love to hate on: I suck at answering calls, listening to voicemails and even taking the time to text someone the hell back. I KNOW. It’s awful. I really don’t even know why I do it. What makes it even worse is that nothing bothers me more than when someone doesn’t answer MY call or text. I’m all WHAT THE HELL, DUDE. Hypocrite, I am. So, to all my lovely friends, consider this my formal apology for sucking so bad AND my formal promise to rectify my wretchedness in 2011.


There you have it, y’all. I’m just going to do my damndest to be better this year at a lot of things that kind of matter.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, my only New Years resolution is to try everything on Taco Bueno’s menu. I decided that today when Mitch and I were at lunch (guess where) and he wasn’t terribly impressed. Weird.

goals

As I drove to work this morning, I listened to Explosions in the Sky's The Only Moment We Were Alone (side note: I so want to walk down the aisle to this song when I get married -- Mitchell, you have been informed), hoping that by listening to beautiful music I'd start to de-stress.

I have been having a hell of a week.

To be honest, I don't want to get into it. The only thing you need to know is I've been stressed, more stressed that I've ever been in my life, and definitely more stressed than I ever hope to be again. Anxiety attacks have become a daily norm (not cool, omg) and it's really starting to take a toll on me, my mind, my body, etc. The worst part about it is I don't know what to do to stop it. I can't just take my mind of it and I can't find a way to distract myself. It's horrible in a confused, lost, sleepless, miserable kind of way. Cute, right?

Anyway, as I was saying, this morning on my way to a shoot, I spent the entire drive listening to Explosions, which always seems to take me somewhere beautiful, and I decided to make a goals list (thanks, iPhone, for your Notes feature). I wrote them in no particular order, just as they happened to pop into my head and, even though my list of goals has nothing to do with my pesky little near-heart-attack-inducing problem, it made me smile. It just felt nice. :)

• See Explosions in the Sky live (in Austin or elsewhere)
• Backpack across Europe (Mitch and I have already decided that if/when we get married, this is what we'll do for our honeymoon)
• Start a family tradition
• Work in/at a job I love
• Join the Junior League (in progress)
• Live in another state
• Throw someone a surprise party
• Write for pleasure
• Name a dog "Duncan"
• Learn to make chicken fried steak (as delicious as my grandmother's)
• Roadtrip across (at least part of) America
• Read more books by Kurt Vonnegut
• Let GOD be my source of calm & peace (yikes, this one seems too tough)

when the world has fallen out from under me, i'll be found in You, still standing.

(source)

This has been a pretty great week.

Absolutely exhausting, but great. I had no idea working as a photographer's assistant would be as physical as it is. Hauling equipment to and from shoots, setting up, breaking down, running around set... I'm ready to drop the second I get home. But it's good. I'm meeting a lot of new people and making contacts left & right. Several teachers have asked me for my information so they can request me as their primary sub. :) Thank you, God.

With the yearbook sponsor and parent volunteers as Wester MS

I'm loving middle schools and their students more and more every day, and it's definitely where I want to teach. I shot my first elementary school last week, though, and my word, those kids were adorable. Pictures were taken during their P. E. classes, so often the students had fifteen to twenty minutes to kill before it was time to go back to their classrooms. One class had come directly from the library and begged me to read to them. Sitting in that gym, surrounded by second graders, reading aloud Monsters Are Everywhere, I felt as if my heart might burst. The way those kids looked at me...it made me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm supposed to be a teacher.

Downtime at Liberty HS

I even made a new friend! One of the teachers I met last week is a first-year who went through the same alternative certification program as me. He's around my age and even lives about five miles from my house as it turns out. Matt's been really sweet to encourage me about finding a teaching job. He's giving me pointers, showing me how to make lessons plans, and going to request me as a sub for his class soon when he's absent for jury duty. I'm so excited to have a teacher friend in Grapevine! Sometimes it can be so isolating here, but meeting new people who have been where I am makes me feel like I'm not alone and that there's hope.

With fellow assistant Kimber and photographer Greg at Maus MS

God's plan almost never makes sense to me, but I think I'm finally starting to get it. I know he's placed me in this job so that I can be in schools, meet teachers, and work with kids. This just has to work out, don't you think? :)

and i don't get this, & i know why

I don't like the steps I took to get to look into your deepest feelings
And I don't like the place I'm in
Head space within the hardwood and the ceiling

I've been thinking a lot lately (whaaat?) about a myriad of things, but one thing in particular that's occupied my mind has been forgiveness.


'Cause if I'm restless than why do I want nothing but to rest my soul?
And I don't get this, & I know why
You see, sometimes things are just beyond control

I don't mind
But I'm not surprised to find that you do
And I feel fine, but I know the same does not apply to you

Well, that's not exactly right... Not really forgiveness, but I guess...enemies? I don't think I really have any. I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, although I couldn't pinpoint anything I've really done. Wow, that's not to say I'm perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that I may be difficult and I may be demanding but overall I think I'm a good person & I think I do good things.

Anyway...

It's very painful for me to hate people. I don't really hate anyone, actually...except for Lee Grimes and yes, friends, I'm publicly declaring that! Enjoy, Kristin. What I'm trying to say, though, is that it makes me feel so guilty to dislike people or think badly of them. Are we not all so easily capable of making mistakes? Being selfish? Hurtful? Ignorant? Of course. I know I've done stupid things, said hurtful things, acted awfully. I'm so grateful for my friends' forgiveness (and love) in spite of all the times I deserved it the least. It's realizations such as that, that I'm loved and forgiven when I've been so bad, which turn my heart and make me want to reach out to others in the same fashion.

Because I can relate.

And in some situations, perhaps I can relate better than anyone.

It's not an issue of pride or bitterness that keeps me from acting. I've worked very hard over the course of my life to erase bitterness and, well, the pride is a constant work in progress (but isn't that true for everyone?). What keeps me from opening my mouth, from making the encouraging gesture is principle. I can forgive with my whole heart, honestly, and still feel a check in my system about reaching out. Perhaps it's that they're not ready. Or that I'm not. Or that simply the timing's not right all around. I'm not sure...

Whatever the case may be, it gives me a lot of joy to be past bitterness.

And whenever the time feels right, I'll be here, available for whatever it is that happens next.


Not knowing which direction's the correct one
Do I discard or remake it?

'Cause if I don't know then I don't know
But I may know Someone who knows me more than I
And if I somehow could rest this soul
Maybe control could find it's way back to my life

PS: Curl Up & Die by Relient K, my #2 favorite song of all time. Say word.

timing

savannah, i hope to be there by the morning
and see this pining all transforming into the arms of the georgia sun
savannah, our backs support by a hammock
we sum up perfection like a handbook and god knows it all too well

At a later date I'll make a post simply about how Relient K is my very favorite band in the whole wide world, but for now I'll leave it at this: it's amazing to me how Relient K's albums have always provided me with whatever it was I have needed at the time they've been released. Isn't that incredible?

baby, i spent my life wondering
wondering when i'd find you
i searched for all these years & now you're right here
and i need you to know that
everything makes sense when you're with me

A few recent examples include my obsession with Five Score & Seven Years Ago (to be track specific, Must've Done Something Right) during my first go-round with love, The Nashville Tennis EP (track specific: Curl Up & Die, There Was No Thief ) during a difficultly sad summer, The Birds & the Bee Sides (track specific: Up and Up, Nothing Without You, Hope For Every Fallen Man) and Forget & Not Slow Down (track specific: all) the fall I came back to life. I love every album because they're all so unique with such different sounds, but the two I can still blast for days are The Nashville Tennis EP/The Birds & the Bee Sides and Forget & Not Slow Down. Just awesome music with even better lyrics.

savannah, walk out into the sultry evening
cotton breathing when the sea winds brush the hair down around your neck
savannah, you hold my hand like it's the first time
and all the feelings that our hearts find will be just what we expect

The trio Oasis/Savannah/Baby has always struck a chord with me, and I've been hooked all day. I keep waiting to grow tired of these songs, but it just doesn't seem to happen. :)

baby, it's all that i can do to thank you
'cause every time you wrapped those arms around me, i felt i was home

finally

It's not that I was having a rough week, but for whatever reason I seemed to stumble upon this at just the right time:

http://1000awesomethings.com/2010/02/19/565-moving-forward/

I love this website. I've been reading it daily for months now and it never fails to bring my attention to the little things in life, the things I normally find so easy to overlook. This post in particular struck me for the obvious reason that I can relate. Finally. I can finally relate.

There have been so many good, wonderful days in the past year. Beautiful times with beautiful friends, roadtrips, celebrations, ring dunks, graduations, and so on... Just so, so many good days. But there have been many dark days, days I couldn't get out of bed, days I didn't know if I ever would. I had fallen into such a deep, uncontrollable depression that in spite of the good days, I wasn't sure I'd ever really come out of the place I was in. It crippled me, and the events leading up to it have changed me, absolutely and forever.

Thanks to the sweet passing of time, I began to heal. Little by little, I began to feel some remnants of my old self resurface, but it was happening so very slowly that I was often discouraged, discouraged enough to relapse, drawing the shades and crawling back into the safety and comfort of my bed.

I say all that in order to reveal the revelation I had yesterday afternoon. I'm not sure if it was the result of sunshine, obtaining closure when I least expected it, or just a great weekend with some very great people, but it hit me like a ton of bricks: I'm going to be okay. I really, really am. Perhaps this seems small, obvious. Perhaps I seem like a moron for spending eleven very hard months without knowing this. It doesn't really matter; all that does is that I'm going to be fine.

I woke up this morning a different person. For the first time in nearly a year, I woke up feeling alive and totally free. Life is difficult and far from perfect, especially right now, but I've never felt more capable than I do today. I was beaten down and let grief rule me, but it's beautiful to realize I'm not beaten and the grief is gone. To finally moving forward and moving on!