Tuesday, January 1, 2013

the break up


I admit it.

I am nothing if not predictable.

Sure, I may seem out of control – crazy, even (but, omg, don't even get me STARTED).  And sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what to expect from myself, but the reality is I’m just a creature of habits, good and bad.

It’s been a long time – four years, actually – since I’ve found myself here in The Break Up.  I was naïve enough the first time around to think I’d never be here again but, like clockwork, all my old ways and wanderings have returned like no time has passed whatsoever.

And I can’t decide if that’s depressing or amusing.

The Break Up: Health
Adopt a strict diet of Spaghettios, fudge brownies from the neighborhood 7-Eleven, and medium cheese pizzas ordered from the Domino’s located so close to your house that it might actually take less time to walk there as opposed to waiting for delivery, but walking anywhere would require that you get dressed and that’s just something you cannot be bothered with (see more under The Break Up: Fashion).  Keep a full bottle of Advil PM by your bed so, you know, should you get tired of being awake and wallowing, you can dream-wallow instead.  Weeeee!

The Break Up: Beauty
Stop showering (let’s be honest – how often did you really shower before?) and stop tweezing your eyebrows.  Don’t even bother pretending you have the energy to go out and get them waxed (again, this would require putting on real clothes, which is stupid).  Occasionally wash your face.  Occasionally brush your teeth.  Occasionally apply mascara in the dark before running down to check the mail.  Wear your hair in a ratty bun for seven days straight – briefly consider adding a headband, but then don’t.  Obviously.

The Break Up: Fashion
You’re clearly not working on your Post-Break Up Bod yet, so who gives a shit?  If you absolutely must get dressed, pull on fat jeans, a long-sleeved Nike dry-fit, plus those old, worn out Sperry’s that usually sit in the back of your closet.  If it’s cold, throw on that camo Columbia fleece you bought on sale at Academy in the little boys' section last Christmas – don’t obsess over the fact that you bought it in preparation for a trip to your ex’s friend’s ranch because you wanted to look like you in any way whatsoever belonged on a ranch around dirt and guns and nature (when you, in fact, don’t).  If it’s hot, trade the dry-fit and fleece for the gray and white striped Target v-neck.   You only wear it when you’re depressed, anyway.  Don’t bother with a real bra – rock the bright green racer-back because it’s more comfortable and no one’s looking at your boobs anyway.

Above all, avoid changing out of the oversized Mayde Creek Cross Country 2004 t-shirt.  Avoid putting on pants as well.

The Break Up: Lifestyle
Sleep late.  Sleep all day, if possible.  Think very seriously about exercising, but then don’t.  Finally feel guilty and fat enough to do some squats.  Alternate between napping on the couch and in your bed.  Contemplate hiring a maid so someone will wash your sheets and rinse out all those bowls of dried soup – they’re really starting to clutter up your kitchen counter.  Start making to-do lists.  Throw them away as opposed to actually completing them.  Google "cheap local therapists."  Wade through the disappointing results and accidentally end up with the most expensive option, then find a way to deal with it because she's awesome.

The Break Up: Entertainment
I know you’re not into How I Met Your Mother, but since you (for some ungodly reason) own seasons 1-4 on DVD, watch them.  DVR old episodes of Entourage.  Attempt to watch Khloé & Lamar, but turn it off if (okay, when) you find yourself crying during the opening credits because you’re too jealous of their love (wtf).  Clueless and Mean Girls are fail-safes.  No matter how much you want to, never watch The Last Kiss – it’ll make you cry even more than Khloé & Lamar.  Re-read teen novels you loved in high school.  Re-read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series (yes, all four of them).  Skip over all the parts with Bridget and Eric and Lena and Kostos.  Listen to any and every song by M.I.A. and dream about one day making an I’m Back, Baby playlist to celebrate your emersion from The Break Up.

In the meantime, give in and listen to Imogen Heap on repeat.

Okay, so maybe it’s slightly more amusing than depressing.

Here’s to hoping I make it through The Break Up this time around (no promises, though).
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