i'm ready, i'm ready to drop

Today is my Friday. :)

I've taken tomorrow off so Mitch & I can drive to Louisiana for Memorial Day weekend with my family! My aunt, uncle and cousins live in Mandeville, LA, about forty-five minutes from New Orleans. Since it's a holiday weekend, there are tons of festivals going on around and in Mandeville, and Mitch & I are super excited to play. My cousin Braeden (age 9) has his first piano recital tomorrow night (isn't that cute?), and I'm so looking forward to seeing him play. There's a big block-party-like festival in Covington on Friday night, the Food & Wine Festival in NOLA on Saturday, and some other outdoor festival in Mandeville all day Sunday. It's going to be...just wonderful. Plus, my family is fun and amazing and badass, and I love spending time with them. I can't wait to drive down tomorrow morning!

I'm leaving work early today to drive in to Nac for the night, and we'll leave for Mandeville from there. I told Mitch he has to drive since he gets to sleep and watch TV all week while I work 40+ hours, haha.

Here's to a great weekend! Happy (early) Memorial Day weekend, everyone! :)

don't you know the hardest part is over?

let it go

let it roll right off your shoulder

don't you know the hardest part is over?

let it in

let your clarity define you

[but] in the end we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made in these small hours,

these little wonders,

these twists & turns of fate

time falls away, but these small hours still remain

let it slide

let your troubles fall behind you

let it shine 'til you feel it all around you

and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to

we'll get by

it's the heart that really matters in the end

all of my regret will wash away somehow

but i cannot forget the way i feel right now in these small hours

...

Friday is a new day, a new beginning, and a fresh chance for perspective. :)

superhuman

You know how I always talk about how terribly overwhelmed and exhausted I am by work? Because my degree was in creative writing and yet I've somehow found myself working as an accountant? For a trucking company? Well, things just got so much better.

I do two jobs now.

All by my lonesome.

It started last Friday when our CFO called me into his office and proceeded to tell me what a great job I was doing. Awesome! He said I'd really proved myself and that everyone was happy with my work, so as a reward, they were going to give me a (very) small raise and would like to also make me the Benefits Coordinator. Again, awesome! When our HR Director left on maternity leave two months ago, Brian (our CFO) had asked me to help out with some benefits work, and I happily agreed. No problem! Piece of cake! I can do this shit in my sleep! And so when he told me I'd be the new Benefits Coordinator permanently and that I was already basically doing 80% of the job anyway, I thought, "Wow, this is great. Yay for me! I rock!"

No.

No no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooo.

I was doing 80% of the job before? EIGHTY? Hmmm...more like 10%, it turns out. I'm so completely stressed and overwhelmed I could scream. My favorite part is that our CFO didn't bother to tell my boss that, "oh hey, Andrea has TWO jobs here now," so my boss is still inreasing my workload in AR.

W.

T.

F.

To sum up: I do the work of two full-time employees but still make next to nothing. Fab.

all the while You hold the key

I've given up on giving up slowly. I'm blending in so you won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate. This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption 'cause I know to live you must give your life away. I've been housing all this doubt & insecurity, and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key. I've been dying to get out, that might be the death of me, and even though there's no way of knowing where to go, I promise I'm going because I've gotta get out of here.

I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. I've gotta get outta here, and I'm begging you, begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

I've given up on doing this alone now 'cause I failed and I'm ready to be shown how. You've told me the way, and now I'm trying to get there. And this life sentence that I'm serving, I admit that I'm every bit deserving, but the beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair.

I've been housing all this doubt & insecurity, and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key. I've been dying to get out, that might be the death of me, and even though there's no way of knowing where to go, I promise I'm going because I've gotta get out of here. I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake. I've gotta get outta here, and I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity, self-detained and forced to live in this mess I've made. And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me, but I can't ask you to give what you already gave.

I fought you for so long, I should've let you in. Oh, how we regret those things we do. And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, oh, but so were you.

vito's ordination song, among other things

I think I'm (getting) sick.

It started when I woke up Sunday morning. Mitch and I both weren't feeling well, but we wrote it off as a very well-deserved hangover. But now it's Tuesday and, I have to say, I'm feeling about the same. Yesterday I did as much work as possible and left early to rest, ie. I "napped" from 3:45pm to 6:30 this morning. Holy hell. And how am I still tired...?

To be honest, though, I'm chronically fatigued. So far I've been managing by becoming increasingly dependent on energy drinks... Probably not the best idea. I need to visit my doctor and see what's up, but man, I hate shit like that. I just want to be healthy all the time. But, alas, it's only 8:30am and I can already feel myself fighting the urge to sleep. Goddamnit.

And listening to (completely fabulous) smooth, soothing songs like Vito's Ordination Song* by Sufjan Stevens isn't helping the matter.

...

I always knew you in your mother's arms

I have called your name

I have an idea, placed in your mind, to be a better man

I've made a crown for you

I've put it in your room

and when the bridegroom comes, there will be noise

there will be glad

and a perfect bed

when you write a poem, I know the words

I know the sounds before you write it down

when you wear your clothes, I wear them, too

I wear your shoes

and your jacket, too

I always knew you in your mother's arms

I have called you "son"

I've made amends between Father and son,

or if you haven't one...

rest in My arms

sleep in My bed

there's a design to what I did and said

*The acoustic version is also absolutely stunning.

the end of fear is where we begin

You wait, wanting this world to let you in, and you stand there, a frozen light in dark & empty streets. You smile, hiding behind a God-given face, and I know you're so much more. Everything they ignore is all I need to see.

Let Love In by the Goo Goo Dolls just came on my iPod and, my god, I love this song. I had forgotten it even existed until a few months ago when I stumbled upon it again. I've always liked it, but now it reminds me of a sunny spring day, riding in the passenger seat of my beloved silver SUV, and Mitch & I singing at the top of our lungs as we speed towards Nacogodoches.

You're the only one I ever believed in, the answer that could never be found, the moment you decided to let love in. Now I'm banging on the door of an angel; the end of fear is where we begin, the moment we decided to let love in.

things...

...that make me not-happy today include:
getting up at 5am
work
Microsoft Outlook
Shell (per usual)
basically, all work-related things (also per usual)


...that make me happy today include:
gchat
late lunch runs to Taco Bueno
making haircut appointments
leaving early as a result of arriving early
yoga with my mama
4pm naptime :)
the knowledge that people & friends like Briarwood exist in the world

...

Sometimes I just want to crawl under my desk and hide/cry/fall asleep, but then I remind myself that this is just now and not forever.

but i could give you promises for keeps

...

Well, I can't give you everything you want

But I could give you what you thought you need:

A map to keep beneath your seat

You'll read to me and, in time, I'll get you there;

But fold if up so we don't find our way back soon

Nobody knows we're here :)

We can park the van and walk to town,

Find the cheapest bottle of wine that we could find

And talk about the road behind,

How getting lost is not a waste of time

Le Bois D'amour will take us home

And, in the moment, we will sing as the forest sleeps

And it's all for the sake of arriving with you

I will make the table into a bed

The candle's burning down, it's time to rest

I can't take back things already gone,

But I could give you promises for keeps

And I would only take them back if

They become your own & you give them to me

We could make this into anything

We could make this into more than words could speak

This could make us into anything

It could make us grow and become what we'll be

...

springtime favorites (as of late)

I decided to copycat several of the blogs I read and "feature" some of my favorite things as of late. What else do I have to do on a Thursday evening anyway? Well, besides watch Drop Dead Gorgeous (hilarious).

This fabulous dress from Peacock Plume (such a cute little store!)

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

Peach margaritas from Baja here in Grapevine (so yummy)

This adorable necklace from Creations by Juliann's Etsy shop

Big Fish because it's one of my all-time favorite movies and for some reason I still don't own it... Weird. I plan on remedying that ASAP.

Burt's Bees Soap Bark & Chamomile Deep Cleansing Cream.

Best. Thing. Ever.

My parents have been telling me since graduation that they were getting me an iPhone... It's now May and still no iPhone... All the same, aren't these covers adorable? The blue one is from downstairsDesign, the flowered one is from rntn, and the green one is from Pomella (all shops are on Etsy).

Annnd this dude. :)

Okay, that's it. Ha. Happy Thursday night! Yay for tomorrow being Friday!

mat kearney

I've been in a very Mat Kearney place today; current favorites include "Where We Gonna Go From Here," "All I Have," "Annie," and "On & On" (for absolutely no particular reason).

...

If tonight is your last train out of here

How you gonna run like that? How you gonna run like that?

If there's one life, one love left here to share

How you gonna turn your back? How you gonna turn your back?

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through

'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray we can break into a brighter day

Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

On and on and on we go

I don't understand this winding road

Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

If there's one thing that I need to hear from you

It's how we gonna see this through

How we gonna see this through?

If there's one thing that I know to be true

It's that I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

And we'll keep on, keep on climbing on down this narrow line

So we can see the other side

mishmash: may

I honestly don't enjoy being moody, despite popular belief.

I don't like not liking my work. I don't like acting irritable when I get home because I'm frustrated by living with my parents. I don't like literally living for the weekends alone. That's silly and it's stupid. I try to give myself pep talks in order to remind myself that I do have the ability to adopt a more positive mindset. I really do.

...

take a good look at yourself & know

you've got yourself a ways to go

but difficult is not impossible

you can take back all the lost control

...

The words to the bridge of Relient K's Hope for Every Fallen Man (above) always bring me such peace and comfort. From time to time I need a reminder that yes, I've got a ways to go but no, difficult isn't impossible and I can take back all the lost control.

And besides, there really is so much to be grateful for. The next several weekends are going to be busy and wonderful. College Station for my best friend Kristin's graduation. Briarwood Semi-formal. Yoga classes. Roadtrip to Mandevilla/NOLA with Mitch over Memorial weekend. :) Free Press Summer Fest music festival in Houston. My brother's wedding/open bar reception. DrUncle Sam 4th of July Party Barge on Lake Conroe. Family reunion. Briarwood floats tha rivaaa. There will be wonderful times with wonderful friends and I am most definitely thankful for that.

In other news, today I am especially grateful for weekends spent watching my boyfriend kick ass in tennis tournaments. I was such the proud fan. :)