shit-talking up all night

Lately this blog must give the impression that my life is completely devoid of anything even remotely interesting or fun. If it was otherwise, I'd be writing about all the cool things I do, right? RIGHT?! Y'all, I promise I do cool things. Maybe not all the time and okay, yea, I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS which is the opposite of awesome but hey, just last week I saw a quality community theatre production of Bat Boy: The Musical and if that's not cool, I just don't know what is.

Things have just been busy and I've been all sneezy and do you know how bothersome it is to write when every six seconds you're recuperating from the Mother of All Sneezes?

Answer: extremely.

And while that's really just a ridiculous excuse, the truth of the matter is that I've been so consumed with subbing and looking for a Real Teaching Job and freaking out about looking for a Real Teaching Job that all the fun, cool things I do (and want to write about) fall by the wayside (much to my own personal disappointment). On top of it all, I had (have?) become a bit overwhelmed by this whole blogging universe. As much as I once enjoyed reading posts every day, it started to feel more like a chore and GOD FORBID IF I FELL BEHIND BY A DAY because I just felt like I was drowning in words and holy shit I'm such a failure if I don't catch up, like, yesterday.

Can you tell I suffer from anxiety? More specifically, anxiety over meaningless things which in turn turns them into personal failures that I'll never recover from?

I repeat: anxiety.

Let's not pull at that thread.

Mitch and I were driving back from a quick jaunt over to Nacogdoches a couple Friday afternoons ago, talking & bopping along to the radio when a song came on that we both stopped and really listened to. The words felt so applicable to both of us and the place we're in in our lives, a place of complete uncertainty with a side of Fear of the Unknown. Something about the lyrics gave me peace because they mean that other people in the world have navigated these same waters and you know what, I bet they made it out just fine. So we will too. And even though we're facing huge obstacles (the education job market, bills that have to get paid, skyrocketing gas prices, and very little money in our pockets to boot), it's okay because this is what our twenties are for: figuring this shit out one day at a time, occasionally with the help of a cheap bottle of wine.

But until we get back to our regularly scheduled programming, please enjoy this picture Mitch and I's matching watches we bought on completely different days at completely different Wal-Marts (cha-ching!) and completely by accident.

Yea, it's love.

she's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
while i'm drinking Jack while alone in my local bar
and we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation
only doing things out of frustration
trying to make it work but, man, these times are hard

she needs me now but i can't seem to find the time
i got a new job now on the unemployment line
and we don't know how, how we got into this mess
is it God's test?
someone helps us 'cause we're doing our best
we're trying to make it work but, man, these times are hard

but we're going to start by drinking on cheap bottles of wine
shit-talking up all night, saying things we've haven't for awhile
we're smiling, but we're close to tears
even after all these years we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

she's in line at the DOLE with her head held high
while i just lost my job but didn't lose my pride
but we both know how, how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
when you pick yourself up, you get kicked in the dirt
trying to make it work but, man, these times are hard

oh, these times are hard
yea, they're making us crazy
don't give up on me, baby

a collection of facts & feelings: february

Sometimes there is nothing better than spending an evening lying in bed watching Friends re-runs on DVD.

Last week at my substitute teaching orientation, I won a raffle. I think that's probably my first time to win anything. Ever.

Also at last week's substitute teaching orientation, at one point our presenter said (for whatever reason), "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," and the woman next to me replied, That shit ain't true. I got a now six-year old from my last trip to Vegas. Shoot. Wow.

Having Yeah 3x as my ringtone hasn't diminished my love for that song, which has been a delightful surprise. It's pretty great.

I'm over snow days.

I don't even recognize you anymore, Dallas.

I got hit on at a high school today. Twice. And should I have corrected the young men, reprimanding them regarding the inappropriateness of speaking to a teacher in that manner? Probably. But did I? Absolutely not. I think I said thanks and winked. Who's inappropriate now? Oops.

Two of my closest friends both have birthdays next week and I couldn't be more excited. :) Yay February birthdays!

Living not at home (even temporarily) is strange and I hate how unstable my life feels as of late, but I have to admit there's something refreshing about moving out, even if it is only for a week. Or two. Or who knows. What a mess.

Sometimes I'm appalled by how unhealthily I eat. Embarrassing.

My biggest fears? Falling into insurmountable debt, being fat, and braving the deaths of the people I love most. Shudder.

Speaking of people I love the most, I had a startling, possibly terrible revelation the other day: I'm not a big family person. I suppose I should explain lest everyone start casting virtual stones, but I'm not really sure I understand it either. My familial relationships have been pretty transitive, with the exception of my mother and a few others. My parents split when I was five, I've had two step-dads since then, and my real father and I haven't spoken in nearly three years. Where's the connection, the bond? What's family about that?

My mother and I are in the middle of a battle. I'll give you that much. And she said something to me last weekend that I've been thinking about ever since: she said, You're not a part of this family. What she meant is that I don't act as I'm a part of our family. And you know what? She's probably right. I'm fairly independent (see: only child, raised by a single mother) and my familial life has been fairly inconsistent. I'm not pointing fingers and I don't blame anyone for that; it's just the way things are, have always been. And as a result I feel disconnected from the idea of family.

I love my parents and grandparents and aunt and uncles and cousins. I really do. And I'm not saying I don't feel close to or bonded with them. It's just that...there's something terrifyingly intimate about family and over the years I feel as if something inside me has shifted away from that intimacy. I want all those things; I want family and togetherness and unity, but, I'll just say it: I want it on my own terms.

How horrible does that make me?

I've been struggling a lot this week with those thoughts and revelations. Mitch and I had a big heart to heart the other night over it, and let me be clear: I can't wait to have a family with that man. I really can't, and nothing about that scares me. I suppose what I'm looking forward to the most about the life and family Mitch and I will one day create is that we'll get to do things our way, and hopefully we can avoid a lot of the mistakes our own parents and families have made.

I realize this has gotten a bit deep and jumbled, but my heart is heavy, my mind cluttered.

It's just strange to wake up one day and see yourself in such a new, unflattering light. And I'm not completely sure what to do with these thoughts. Do I fix them? How? Do I even want to?

See what I mean?

Mind = cluttered. Ugh.

And on that note, I know only God can bring clarity...but when?

concentrator

As of this morning, I am having a love affair with this hair dryer attachment:

I'm really good at MS Paint.

Seriously, I never knew what this was for, just that it seemed to come with every hair dryer I've ever purchased. Normally I threw them away because I mean, I didn't need it. OR SO I THOUGHT. When I got my hair cut at that fabulous hair studio in Uptown, my stylist Chantel used this when doing my hair and I was all, Huh, people actually use that? So this morning I thought I'd give it a go and OH MAN BEST HAIR DAY EVER. Now, I'm not saying this is totally due to the magic of the plastic concentator nozzle piece...but it could be.

Also I'm choosing to take this as a good omen for the day.

And even if it's not a good omen, I'm still having a rockin' hair day, so really, I still win.

an update(alternative title: i'm out of clever ideas)

Not only is Clark still sick, but I have found myself also under the weather, meaning we've spent the past two days like this:

I know you can barely see Clark in this picture, but the important thing to notice is that I'm sleeping in my coat and scarf. I wish this was unnecessary, but it's that cold in my house.

She's still dealing with a high fever and swollen legs (seriously, break my fucking heart) and I think I've simply got a case of severe stress (do I sound like a broken record yet?). We've been a cheery duo, as you can see, but I'm really looking forward to her perking up so I can stop sulking. I suppose I could stop sulking now, though I'm not sure I want to. Where's the fun in that?

This week's hit: conquering my fear of vomit
This week's miss: cleaning dog puke off my bed (on multiple occasions)

Oh, and here's a random picture from last weekend when my friend, Jordan, got his Aggie ring. Just felt like sharing.

Jordan's sad because he hadn't received his ring yet,
and I'm happy because I'm better than him.

Here's to (it almost being) Friday!

with my mouth so full of questions

I've been wrestling with God lately.

And by lately I mean months and months and months.

See, I like to do things my own way. I like to be in control. It'll come as no surprise then that relinquishing said control is not an easy thing for me to do. Even though I don't make the best decisions, I still can't seem to trust that He'll do a better job. Even typing this now, I don't trust Him. I don't even trust myself. How sad is that?

Yes, I am a constant work in progress.

I mentioned yesterday that I've been going through a particularly difficult time over the past week. And while I feel my anxiety level has lowered the teensiest of bits, I know I'm not out of the woods. Anyway, I found myself reading the lyrics to Ray LaMontagne's "Hold You In My Arms," purely by chance. I know the song, sure, but as I sat here reading the words, it hit me: holy shit, this is exactly what I needed to see. My eyes welled up and I fought back tears as I thought to myself, "Okay, God, I can maybe kind of see that you're trying to get through to me here. Maybe. Kind of."

I don't profess to be a big believer in signs, but I know I'm always subconsciously looking out for them. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I need it to be. Maybe I need to take this to heart and, metaphorically, let myself fall into His arms. I hear that's the safest place to be.

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears,

It was easy to see you'd been crying

Seems like everywhere you turn, catastrophe reigns

But who really profits from the dying?

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you forever

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kiss my lips with my mouth so full of questions,

It's my worried mind that you quiet

Place your hands on my face,

Close my eyes and say, "Love is a poor man's food, don't prophesy"

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold on forever

I could hold you in my arms

I could you in my arms forever

So now we see how it is

This fist begets the spear

Weapons of war, symptoms of madness

Don't let your eyes refuse to see

Don't let your ears refuse to hear

Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness

Powerful, that's all I have to say.

sweet disposition

I've got an embarrassing case of wedding fever. I know. That's not cute, but I can't help it. I feel like all I've been to, seen, heard about, talked about, and watched are weddings. It's even shocking, really, how many movies include wedding scenes. Or perhaps I'd never really noticed until now. Maybe it's like that thing where you don't realize anyone drives silver Izuzu Rodeos until you're driving a silver Izuzu Rodeo and suddenly you're seemingly surrounded by them.

Anyway, I saw (and have not been able to stop watching) this adorable wedding video that I stumbled upon today, via Green Wedding Shoes. Can I also just say that if I ever get married I hope I wear green wedding shoes? Or possibly blue. Or yellow. Something fun! Note: not only am I currently obsessed with weddings, but I am also obsessed with the idea of wearing fun, fabulous shoes beneath a wedding dress. Someone stop me.

The song that plays during the majority of the video is "Sweet Disposition" by Temper Trap. I believe I had heard it before today, but my goddd, it's so good. I partly keep watching this video just so I can hear the song, too.

sweet disposition

never too soon

oh, reckless abandon

like no one's watching you

a moment

a love

a dream

a laugh

a kiss, a cry

our rights

our wrongs

a moment, a love

a dream, a laugh

a moment

a love

a dream

a laugh

just stay there 'cause i'll be coming over

and while our blood's still young

it's so young it runs

and we won't stop 'til it's over

won't stop to surrender

songs of desperation

i played them for you

a moment

a love

a dream

a laugh

a kiss, a cry

our rights, our wrongs

(won't stop 'til it's over)

a moment, a love

a dream

a laugh

a moment, a love

(won't stop to surrender)

...

Weddings are just so beautiful, so full of bliss and promise for the future, blind to any trouble. I love that.

never lose your childish enthusiasm, and things will come your way

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun for the second time today.

This is most likely a result of boredom and my obsession with watching movies that bum me out (although I will admit that Under the Tuscan Sun is certainly more uplifting than The Last Kiss, my usual go-to sure-to-bum-you-the-hell-out movie). Watching Diane Lane find new life in Tuscany has shown me that the cure for depression is going on a gay bus tour of Italy. I'll keep that in mind.

Over the weekend Mitch and I attended his cousin's wedding (beautiful),



spent time at my family reunion (overwhelming), visited Mitch's grandfather in the hospital (sweet), and witnessed my cousin's baby be baptised (exciting).


Needless to say, it was a weekend full of family, both mine and Mitchell's, and I'm still struck by how much I love them all. Now that Monday's nearly upon me, I'm not sure how to proceed with my week. I'm growing more and more discouraged with finding a teaching job for the fall. Every day that goes by, I feel my chances are shrinking and the few jobs that are actually available are being snatched up in every passing second. What will become of me come August? I sure as hell don't know.

What's funny is that although I have no job, no money, and no prospects...I'm so supremely happy in other areas of my life that I am able to have hope for the future. Well, most days. Most days I am able to have hope. And on the days I am unable...well, those are the days I sleep late. Take naps. Watch premium cable. And fluctuate between my desire to be thin and my desire to eat three hundred Brownie Bites. Life's full of tough choices.

Honestly, tomorrow already feels like it has the potential to be one of those hopeless Law-&-Order-SVU-marathon-Brownie-Bites kind of days. But I'm not ready to give up before it already starts.

Here's to a hopeful, productive Monday. :)

a banner week

Last week was, well, not my best.

I don't really want to get into just yet, but basically, it was like one shitstorm after another for five days straight, and I'm still a little dizzy from the shock & stress. I keep telling myself that things will work out for the best, God WILL provide for me, I'm lucky in so many ways, and I just need to be patient. And optimistic. And trusting.

These are not always easy things for me.

It's weird how busy I am/will be this week, all things considered, but my brother's wedding is this coming weekend and there's still so much to do. Not that I'm excited about the fact that it's my brother's wedding. Nope. I don't really care. And I'm definitely not excited to be in the wedding party (since I know none of the other bridesmaids, and the groomsmen consist of guys I hated in high school and my ex...lovely!). But at the end of the day, weddings are fun! Correction: open bars are fun! I'm bringing Mitch and Jordan as my dates (ha), and I know the three of us are going to have a blast. Northgate afterwards? Yes. Yes yes yes.

Until then, I'm one strangely busy girl.

things...

...that make me not-happy today include:
getting up at 5am
work
Microsoft Outlook
Shell (per usual)
basically, all work-related things (also per usual)


...that make me happy today include:
gchat
late lunch runs to Taco Bueno
making haircut appointments
leaving early as a result of arriving early
yoga with my mama
4pm naptime :)
the knowledge that people & friends like Briarwood exist in the world

...

Sometimes I just want to crawl under my desk and hide/cry/fall asleep, but then I remind myself that this is just now and not forever.

and i don't get this, & i know why

I don't like the steps I took to get to look into your deepest feelings
And I don't like the place I'm in
Head space within the hardwood and the ceiling

I've been thinking a lot lately (whaaat?) about a myriad of things, but one thing in particular that's occupied my mind has been forgiveness.


'Cause if I'm restless than why do I want nothing but to rest my soul?
And I don't get this, & I know why
You see, sometimes things are just beyond control

I don't mind
But I'm not surprised to find that you do
And I feel fine, but I know the same does not apply to you

Well, that's not exactly right... Not really forgiveness, but I guess...enemies? I don't think I really have any. I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, although I couldn't pinpoint anything I've really done. Wow, that's not to say I'm perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that I may be difficult and I may be demanding but overall I think I'm a good person & I think I do good things.

Anyway...

It's very painful for me to hate people. I don't really hate anyone, actually...except for Lee Grimes and yes, friends, I'm publicly declaring that! Enjoy, Kristin. What I'm trying to say, though, is that it makes me feel so guilty to dislike people or think badly of them. Are we not all so easily capable of making mistakes? Being selfish? Hurtful? Ignorant? Of course. I know I've done stupid things, said hurtful things, acted awfully. I'm so grateful for my friends' forgiveness (and love) in spite of all the times I deserved it the least. It's realizations such as that, that I'm loved and forgiven when I've been so bad, which turn my heart and make me want to reach out to others in the same fashion.

Because I can relate.

And in some situations, perhaps I can relate better than anyone.

It's not an issue of pride or bitterness that keeps me from acting. I've worked very hard over the course of my life to erase bitterness and, well, the pride is a constant work in progress (but isn't that true for everyone?). What keeps me from opening my mouth, from making the encouraging gesture is principle. I can forgive with my whole heart, honestly, and still feel a check in my system about reaching out. Perhaps it's that they're not ready. Or that I'm not. Or that simply the timing's not right all around. I'm not sure...

Whatever the case may be, it gives me a lot of joy to be past bitterness.

And whenever the time feels right, I'll be here, available for whatever it is that happens next.


Not knowing which direction's the correct one
Do I discard or remake it?

'Cause if I don't know then I don't know
But I may know Someone who knows me more than I
And if I somehow could rest this soul
Maybe control could find it's way back to my life

PS: Curl Up & Die by Relient K, my #2 favorite song of all time. Say word.

there's a good chance that...

...I'm addicted to Red Bull.

...gray's actually my favorite color (if we're basing this off the shocking amount of gray clothing I apparently own...holy hell).

...instead of necessary office supplies, I keep a stash of Reese's peanut butter cups in my desk drawer.

...I should be working right now.

...I'm too into this blog.

...Monday is my least favorite day of the week.

...choosing happiness really does work.

...I like the Spanish versions of songs better (example: Dímelo and Alguien Soy Yo, both by Enrique Iglesias).

...I wish it was lunchtime so I could eat my PB& J.

the best part about saturdays

is that there's* still Sundays to look forward to. :)

When I realized a few hours ago that there's still a whole day left of the weekend, I got giddy with excitement. It's not that it's been anything special, but it feels intoxicating to not set an alarm, to have no where to be, to have the whole beautiful day ahead of me.

I may waste it washing sheets and putting away laundry. But who knows! It could be spent exploring, being spontaneous, playing in the park, embarking on an adventure, trying a new restaurant. NOT washing sheets and putting away laundry. Either way, it's all mine. How delicious.

I love weekends!


*grammatically incorrect, I knowwww

happy award

Beautiful, sweet Alex gave me this adorable Happy Award which really made my day, so here are ten things that make me happypandapants:

1. Clark Kent, the most incredibly adorable and fantastic dog to ever exist. :) Most of the time I'm convinced she's all I need in the world. We're perfect for each other.

2. Leftovers straight from the refrigerator because I've convinced myself that cold food, specifically day-old chicken fettuccine Alfredo, is actually healthier.

3. The way my legs feel after a terrible run or set of squats. You know, that squibbly feeling where you know you could collapse at any given second? YES.

4. My old apartment and my (former) roommate. 333 FOREVER. I love you, Jennifer!

5. The technological advances of society that have brought me both gchat and the Briarwood listserv, two of my very favorite things in the world.

6. Writing.

7. Napping in my backyard.

8. Reading a real page-turner, the kind of book so good you can't help but curl up, away from any & every distraction, and read all in one afternoon. God bless the likes of Jane Austen and Fyodor Dostoevsky, but the real page-turners for me usually end up being trashy teen novels. Guilty pleasure #987271113.

9. Great hair days, however few and far between they may be.

10. Clicking the "Pay Remaining Balance" button on my online credit card statement. FUCK YOU, DISCOVER. I am your slave no longer!

besides hours, there's just not enough energy

For me, I mean.

When did I turn into an eighty-year old woman? Why am I tired at 7:45? WHY? It's fine.

So anyway, I've been meaning to update this over the past week (specifically in the past two days) because I have things to share and say, but I keep getting too sleepy to do anything about it. Pathetic. You'd think I'd tackle it head-on while at work so, you know, I could get paid to blog nonsense, but it's strange how working makes you tired...too tired to blog nonsense. I repeat: pathetic.

All that being said, I hereby swear to update this tonight. Maybe. Yes. We'll see.

monday: pros & cons

Pro: Managed to get myself out of bed on time to go running!
Con: It was raining. And freezing cold.



Pro: Finished most of my work on Friday!
Con: Apparently over the weekend my boss dropped off a huge stack of more work... Awesome.



Pro: New guy starts today! Hoping for someone young/awesome!
Con: Not young. Not awesome. Wears too much cologne.



Pro: Got to work early!
Con: Working late tonight.



Pro: Listening to T-Pain on my iPod all morning!
Pro: I get paid today!
Pro: Nac on Friday for the whooole weekend!