And I don't like the place I'm in
Head space within the hardwood and the ceiling
I've been thinking a lot lately (whaaat?) about a myriad of things, but one thing in particular that's occupied my mind has been forgiveness.
And I don't get this, & I know why
You see, sometimes things are just beyond control
I don't mind
But I'm not surprised to find that you do
And I feel fine, but I know the same does not apply to you
Well, that's not exactly right... Not really forgiveness, but I guess...enemies? I don't think I really have any. I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, although I couldn't pinpoint anything I've really done. Wow, that's not to say I'm perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that I may be difficult and I may be demanding but overall I think I'm a good person & I think I do good things.
It's very painful for me to hate people. I don't really hate anyone, actually...except for Lee Grimes and yes, friends, I'm publicly declaring that! Enjoy, Kristin. What I'm trying to say, though, is that it makes me feel so guilty to dislike people or think badly of them. Are we not all so easily capable of making mistakes? Being selfish? Hurtful? Ignorant? Of course. I know I've done stupid things, said hurtful things, acted awfully. I'm so grateful for my friends' forgiveness (and love) in spite of all the times I deserved it the least. It's realizations such as that, that I'm loved and forgiven when I've been so bad, which turn my heart and make me want to reach out to others in the same fashion.
Because I can relate.
And in some situations, perhaps I can relate better than anyone.
It's not an issue of pride or bitterness that keeps me from acting. I've worked very hard over the course of my life to erase bitterness and, well, the pride is a constant work in progress (but isn't that true for everyone?). What keeps me from opening my mouth, from making the encouraging gesture is principle. I can forgive with my whole heart, honestly, and still feel a check in my system about reaching out. Perhaps it's that they're not ready. Or that I'm not. Or that simply the timing's not right all around. I'm not sure...
Whatever the case may be, it gives me a lot of joy to be past bitterness.
And whenever the time feels right, I'll be here, available for whatever it is that happens next.
Do I discard or remake it?
'Cause if I don't know then I don't know
But I may know Someone who knows me more than I
And if I somehow could rest this soul
Maybe control could find it's way back to my life
PS: Curl Up & Die by Relient K, my #2 favorite song of all time. Say word.