and i don't get this, & i know why

I don't like the steps I took to get to look into your deepest feelings
And I don't like the place I'm in
Head space within the hardwood and the ceiling

I've been thinking a lot lately (whaaat?) about a myriad of things, but one thing in particular that's occupied my mind has been forgiveness.


'Cause if I'm restless than why do I want nothing but to rest my soul?
And I don't get this, & I know why
You see, sometimes things are just beyond control

I don't mind
But I'm not surprised to find that you do
And I feel fine, but I know the same does not apply to you

Well, that's not exactly right... Not really forgiveness, but I guess...enemies? I don't think I really have any. I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, although I couldn't pinpoint anything I've really done. Wow, that's not to say I'm perfect. Far from it. I'm just saying that I may be difficult and I may be demanding but overall I think I'm a good person & I think I do good things.

Anyway...

It's very painful for me to hate people. I don't really hate anyone, actually...except for Lee Grimes and yes, friends, I'm publicly declaring that! Enjoy, Kristin. What I'm trying to say, though, is that it makes me feel so guilty to dislike people or think badly of them. Are we not all so easily capable of making mistakes? Being selfish? Hurtful? Ignorant? Of course. I know I've done stupid things, said hurtful things, acted awfully. I'm so grateful for my friends' forgiveness (and love) in spite of all the times I deserved it the least. It's realizations such as that, that I'm loved and forgiven when I've been so bad, which turn my heart and make me want to reach out to others in the same fashion.

Because I can relate.

And in some situations, perhaps I can relate better than anyone.

It's not an issue of pride or bitterness that keeps me from acting. I've worked very hard over the course of my life to erase bitterness and, well, the pride is a constant work in progress (but isn't that true for everyone?). What keeps me from opening my mouth, from making the encouraging gesture is principle. I can forgive with my whole heart, honestly, and still feel a check in my system about reaching out. Perhaps it's that they're not ready. Or that I'm not. Or that simply the timing's not right all around. I'm not sure...

Whatever the case may be, it gives me a lot of joy to be past bitterness.

And whenever the time feels right, I'll be here, available for whatever it is that happens next.


Not knowing which direction's the correct one
Do I discard or remake it?

'Cause if I don't know then I don't know
But I may know Someone who knows me more than I
And if I somehow could rest this soul
Maybe control could find it's way back to my life

PS: Curl Up & Die by Relient K, my #2 favorite song of all time. Say word.

there's a good chance that...

...I'm addicted to Red Bull.

...gray's actually my favorite color (if we're basing this off the shocking amount of gray clothing I apparently own...holy hell).

...instead of necessary office supplies, I keep a stash of Reese's peanut butter cups in my desk drawer.

...I should be working right now.

...I'm too into this blog.

...Monday is my least favorite day of the week.

...choosing happiness really does work.

...I like the Spanish versions of songs better (example: Dímelo and Alguien Soy Yo, both by Enrique Iglesias).

...I wish it was lunchtime so I could eat my PB& J.

paper hearts

This was ridiculously fun for reasons I don't completely understand. Also, it made me silly happy and I couldn't wait to post pictures.





I'm a nerd. :)

mishmash: march

Today was so beautiful, even if I did spend 75% of it doing laundry. No matter! It needed to be done and clean sheets are a delight.

I've been really enjoying Boys Like Girls' cover of Let Go, orginally by Frou Frou, all day (listen here).

Since the weather was so nice today, I felt like being outside and planned on buying flowers for my little flower pots. Jennifer and I had the prettiest flowers on our porch when we lived at Briarwood. My pots have been sad & empty ever since I moved back home.

Can you believe it's already 7:30? Where has Sunday gone? Oh well, I'm off to make a paper heart chain! Yay!

the best part about saturdays

is that there's* still Sundays to look forward to. :)

When I realized a few hours ago that there's still a whole day left of the weekend, I got giddy with excitement. It's not that it's been anything special, but it feels intoxicating to not set an alarm, to have no where to be, to have the whole beautiful day ahead of me.

I may waste it washing sheets and putting away laundry. But who knows! It could be spent exploring, being spontaneous, playing in the park, embarking on an adventure, trying a new restaurant. NOT washing sheets and putting away laundry. Either way, it's all mine. How delicious.

I love weekends!


*grammatically incorrect, I knowwww

a litany

I woke up late this morning. I haven't done laundry in over two weeks so I have no clean work-appropriate clothes. I'm wearing a gray sorority t-shirt, jeans and my TOMs, bringing a whole new meaning to casual Friday. I've already had three Red Bulls this morning, so my tummy hurts and I've had to pee about every six and a half minutes. I forgot my lunch. I have no exciting evening or weekend plans. It's only 12:09 (a-whoop) pm.

But it's Friday! :)

timing

savannah, i hope to be there by the morning
and see this pining all transforming into the arms of the georgia sun
savannah, our backs support by a hammock
we sum up perfection like a handbook and god knows it all too well

At a later date I'll make a post simply about how Relient K is my very favorite band in the whole wide world, but for now I'll leave it at this: it's amazing to me how Relient K's albums have always provided me with whatever it was I have needed at the time they've been released. Isn't that incredible?

baby, i spent my life wondering
wondering when i'd find you
i searched for all these years & now you're right here
and i need you to know that
everything makes sense when you're with me

A few recent examples include my obsession with Five Score & Seven Years Ago (to be track specific, Must've Done Something Right) during my first go-round with love, The Nashville Tennis EP (track specific: Curl Up & Die, There Was No Thief ) during a difficultly sad summer, The Birds & the Bee Sides (track specific: Up and Up, Nothing Without You, Hope For Every Fallen Man) and Forget & Not Slow Down (track specific: all) the fall I came back to life. I love every album because they're all so unique with such different sounds, but the two I can still blast for days are The Nashville Tennis EP/The Birds & the Bee Sides and Forget & Not Slow Down. Just awesome music with even better lyrics.

savannah, walk out into the sultry evening
cotton breathing when the sea winds brush the hair down around your neck
savannah, you hold my hand like it's the first time
and all the feelings that our hearts find will be just what we expect

The trio Oasis/Savannah/Baby has always struck a chord with me, and I've been hooked all day. I keep waiting to grow tired of these songs, but it just doesn't seem to happen. :)

baby, it's all that i can do to thank you
'cause every time you wrapped those arms around me, i felt i was home

good day, sunlight

I'd like to say how truly bright you are
You don't know me, but I know you
See, you're my favorite star
Falalallow you I will, so let's get moving

"Who Needs Shelter" by Jason Mraz is the song that wakes me up every morning. I love the words and his breezy voice. The only downside is that now whenever I hear it, no matter the time of day, I think of early mornings and snooze buttons. Sorry, Jason.


By your clock, the cock rooster crows & off to work then everybody goes
Slow, but eventually they get there

Who needs shelter when the morning's coming?
Absolutely there's no one
Who needs shelter from the sun?
Not me, no, not anyone

Personally I'm an enormous Jason Mraz fan. Mostly of his older stuff, Waiting For My Rocket To Come and Mr. A-Z being my favorite of his albums. He's so mellow and quirky but can jam so hard. If you haven't heard many of his songs or if you've only heard his radio hits such as Lucky or I'm Yours, I highly recommend the following badass jams:

The Boy's Gone (it's in my Top 5 Favorite Songs of all time)
Plane
Mr. Curiosity
I'll Do Anything
O, Lover
Song For A Friend
Sleep All Day

Now that I listen to my iPod while I tend to the tedious task of inputting invoice after invoice, Jason's music is even more delightful than usual. His voice, his words, his sound transport me to such a place of peace and happiness.

happy award

Beautiful, sweet Alex gave me this adorable Happy Award which really made my day, so here are ten things that make me happypandapants:

1. Clark Kent, the most incredibly adorable and fantastic dog to ever exist. :) Most of the time I'm convinced she's all I need in the world. We're perfect for each other.

2. Leftovers straight from the refrigerator because I've convinced myself that cold food, specifically day-old chicken fettuccine Alfredo, is actually healthier.

3. The way my legs feel after a terrible run or set of squats. You know, that squibbly feeling where you know you could collapse at any given second? YES.

4. My old apartment and my (former) roommate. 333 FOREVER. I love you, Jennifer!

5. The technological advances of society that have brought me both gchat and the Briarwood listserv, two of my very favorite things in the world.

6. Writing.

7. Napping in my backyard.

8. Reading a real page-turner, the kind of book so good you can't help but curl up, away from any & every distraction, and read all in one afternoon. God bless the likes of Jane Austen and Fyodor Dostoevsky, but the real page-turners for me usually end up being trashy teen novels. Guilty pleasure #987271113.

9. Great hair days, however few and far between they may be.

10. Clicking the "Pay Remaining Balance" button on my online credit card statement. FUCK YOU, DISCOVER. I am your slave no longer!

to not losing sight

The past 24-hour period has been strange, to say the least.

First Mitchell and I saw a girl have a seizure while we were at lunch. And by "saw," I mean "the girl was laying on the ground at our feet while paramedics gave her CPR after she stopped breathing." It was scary and awkward. I just hate situations like that... Not just because they're awful, but also because I'm never sure how to react. We didn't want to be assholes and completely ignore what was happening, and at the same time, you don't want to be assholes and draw even more attention to the poor family who's scared and (possibly) embarrassed enough as it is. We compromised by sitting completely still and staring at each other, as opposed to eating or talking. Or breathing. Oh, and for the record, I think she was going to be just fine.

Later in the afternoon Mitch gets the terrible phone call letting him know his grandmother passed away. She'd been having some minor health problems in the past few months but nothing life-threatening, so her passing was a complete shock. Again...an awkward situation for me to be in... Tangent: I've always considered myself a very sensitive, deep girl who embraces personal intimacy with friends, family, etc., but in the past couple years I've realized how much deep, serious moments scare the fuck out of me. Turns out I don't handle them well in that, surprise surprise, I'm hella awkward. End tangent. So anyway, I had to wait with Mitch while he broke the news to his mom and sister, and it was just so sad.

The cherry on top of an already unlucky day was that I'd been feeling sick since right after lunch. Just general nausea... I assumed I ate to much since, well, I tend to do that. I love food. It's fine. However, this time around it wasn't fine and I've since spent the past day alternating between a. puking my guts up, b. enjoying my 101 degree fever, and c. fitfully dreaming about POs & invoice numbers. Loverrrly.

Needless to say, Sunday wasn't the best. And Monday hasn't been too swell either.

Besides just physical unrest, I'm not going to lie...the past couple weeks have been difficult ones. It's been a struggle to remain positive and remind myself of all I have to be grateful for (which is terrible sounding, I know, when my life really is truly blessed). I have fantastic parents who not only let me live at home rent-free (not my dream, but again...it's FREE) but also support me in whatever it is I find I want to do. I was fortunate enough to land a job after only three weeks of searching and, while it's not anything I'm remotely interested in pursuing, it's enabled me to completely pay off my credit card and begin putting money into savings. I have friends, more far than near; but regardless, people that love me and make me laugh. My dog kicks ass and never ceases to provide much-needed comfort at the end of stressful days. I'm young, I'm (moderately, ha) healthy, and I'm not living on the streets. It would be wrong to complain, and I am overcome with guilt whenever I've allowed myself to lapse into a wallowing pool of self-pity. Don't I realize my life could be exponentially worse?

The majority of my frustrations stem from my charming impatience. It's frustrating applying for jobs and hearing nothing back. It's frustrating living at home and having no idea when I'll be able to afford a place of my own. It's frustrating being in Dallas when all my friends are in Austin and Houston. It's frustrating doing a job I have no passion for. It's all so frustrating because life's not easy. But it's good. Life is so very good, friends.

I know the world is bigger than me, bigger than Grapevine, bigger than accounts receivable, bigger than living out of a suitcase, bigger than late fees, bigger than morning traffic. It's a constant battle to remind myself of that, but I can't lose hope and I can't lose sight of the beautiful things.


PS: Please keep the Baker family in your prayers during this sad time.

besides hours, there's just not enough energy

For me, I mean.

When did I turn into an eighty-year old woman? Why am I tired at 7:45? WHY? It's fine.

So anyway, I've been meaning to update this over the past week (specifically in the past two days) because I have things to share and say, but I keep getting too sleepy to do anything about it. Pathetic. You'd think I'd tackle it head-on while at work so, you know, I could get paid to blog nonsense, but it's strange how working makes you tired...too tired to blog nonsense. I repeat: pathetic.

All that being said, I hereby swear to update this tonight. Maybe. Yes. We'll see.

joshua radin

Lately I've figured out that when I work while listening to my iPod, I enjoy it a teensy bit more (because let's face it, data entry isn't exactly a blast). Today I've been listening to a lot of Joshua Radin because a. it kept coming up on Shuffle and b. I have a lot of his music. One of my favorites by him is "You Got Growing Up To Do" (demo verions WITHOUT Patty Griffin). It's just Josh and his guitar, and it's just lovely. Perhaps give it a listen.


I've been down this road before.
I walk out the door, leave you on the floor.
Sometimes you run & hide.
Your foolish pride's what keeps me from giving you more.

So the best thing I can give to you is for me to go,
Leave you alone 'cause you got growing up to do.

Some day I'll return when it's time for payment in kind.
The church bells will chime.
You'll stand before me surrounded by lights, dressed in white.
You'll throw flowers in the air this night.

But the best thing I can give to you is for me to go,
And leave you alone.
You got growing up to do.

Looks like the rain's pouring down on me.
It's drowning me now and all I want is to come back home.
This old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry, but
I can't think of what else to try.

That's why the best thing I can give to you is for me to go,
Leave you alone.
You got growing up to do.

monday: pros & cons

Pro: Managed to get myself out of bed on time to go running!
Con: It was raining. And freezing cold.



Pro: Finished most of my work on Friday!
Con: Apparently over the weekend my boss dropped off a huge stack of more work... Awesome.



Pro: New guy starts today! Hoping for someone young/awesome!
Con: Not young. Not awesome. Wears too much cologne.



Pro: Got to work early!
Con: Working late tonight.



Pro: Listening to T-Pain on my iPod all morning!
Pro: I get paid today!
Pro: Nac on Friday for the whooole weekend!