the break up

Okay.

I admit it.

I am nothing if not predictable.

Sure, I may seem out of control – crazy, even (but, omg, don't even get me STARTED).  And sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what to expect from myself, but the reality is I’m just a creature of habits, good and bad.

It’s been a long time – four years, actually – since I’ve found myself here in The Break Up.  I was naïve enough the first time around to think I’d never be here again but, like clockwork, all my old ways and wanderings have returned like no time has passed whatsoever.

And I can’t decide if that’s depressing or amusing.



The Break Up: Health

Adopt a strict diet of Spaghettios, fudge brownies from the neighborhood 7-Eleven, and medium cheese pizzas ordered from the Domino’s located so close to your house that it might actually take less time to walk there as opposed to waiting for delivery, but walking anywhere would require that you get dressed and that’s just something you cannot be bothered with (see more under The Break Up: Fashion).  Keep a full bottle of Advil PM by your bed so, you know, should you get tired of being awake and wallowing, you can dream-wallow instead.  Weeeee!

The Break Up: Beauty

Stop showering (let’s be honest – how often did you really shower before?) and stop tweezing your eyebrows.  Don’t even bother pretending you have the energy to go out and get them waxed (again, this would require putting on real clothes, which is stupid).  Occasionally wash your face.  Occasionally brush your teeth.  Occasionally apply mascara in the dark before running down to check the mail.  Wear your hair in a ratty bun for seven days straight – briefly consider adding a headband, but then don’t.  Obviously.

The Break Up: Fashion

You’re clearly not working on your Post-Break Up Bod yet, so who gives a shit?  If you absolutely must get dressed, pull on fat jeans, a long-sleeved Nike dry-fit, plus those old, worn out Sperry’s that usually sit in the back of your closet.  If it’s cold, throw on that camo Columbia fleece you bought on sale at Academy in the little boys' section last Christmas – don’t obsess over the fact that you bought it in preparation for a trip to your ex’s friend’s ranch because you wanted to look like you in any way whatsoever belonged on a ranch around dirt and guns and nature (when you, in fact, don’t).  If it’s hot, trade the dry-fit and fleece for the gray and white striped Target v-neck.   You only wear it when you’re depressed, anyway.  Don’t bother with a real bra – rock the bright green racer-back because it’s more comfortable and no one’s looking at your boobs anyway.

Above all, avoid changing out of the oversized Mayde Creek Cross Country 2004 t-shirt.  Avoid putting on pants as well.

The Break Up: Lifestyle

Sleep late.  Sleep all day, if possible.  Think very seriously about exercising, but then don’t.  Finally feel guilty and fat enough to do some squats.  Alternate between napping on the couch and in your bed.  Contemplate hiring a maid so someone will wash your sheets and rinse out all those bowls of dried soup – they’re really starting to clutter up your kitchen counter.  Start making to-do lists.  Throw them away as opposed to actually completing them.  Google "cheap local therapists."  Wade through the disappointing results and accidentally end up with the most expensive option, then find a way to deal with it because she's awesome.

The Break Up: Entertainment

I know you’re not into How I Met Your Mother, but since you (for some ungodly reason) own seasons 1-4 on DVD, watch them.  DVR old episodes of Entourage.  Attempt to watch Khloé & Lamar, but turn it off if (okay, when) you find yourself crying during the opening credits because you’re too jealous of their love (wtf).  Clueless and Mean Girls are fail-safes.  No matter how much you want to, never watch The Last Kiss – it’ll make you cry even more than Khloé & Lamar.  Re-read teen novels you loved in high school.  Re-read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series (yes, all four of them).  Skip over all the parts with Bridget and Eric and Lena and Kostos.  Listen to any and every song by M.I.A. and dream about one day making an I’m Back, Baby playlist to celebrate your emersion from The Break Up.

In the meantime, give in and listen to Imogen Heap on repeat.

Okay, so maybe it’s slightly more amusing than depressing.

Here’s to hoping I make it through The Break Up this time around (no promises, though).

between the mean reds & the blues

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Welp. I may or may not have officially given up hope, y’all.

Specifically on education, I mean, but also on a lot of other things.

I found out today that one of my references has been giving me a bad report. For the last two years. Two. Years. So, on the plus side, me feeling like I’d been black-balled or like there was a kind of dark cloud hanging over me all this time? Turns out it’s true and I’m not just crazy.

I tried to delete the reference from all my applications, but it won't let me. So I tried to delete all my district applications and just start over, and I can’t. Some stupid message just keeps popping up saying I’m already in their system whenever I try to create a new account. Perfect.

I never really wanted to be a teacher anyway.

Right?

How long will I have to keep telling myself that until I feel like it’s true?

I know a bad reference doesn’t sound like the end of the world. Perhaps it sounds like I’m being overly dramatic, making a mountain out of a molehill and all that nonsense. But you don’t understand – when over four hundred people apply for one position in a matter of hours, that bad reference makes all the difference in the world. It’s all it takes to knock me completely out of the running.

It’s no wonder I’ve never even had a call, let alone an interview.




I’m not qualified for anything else. I don’t have any skills, any special talents. All I have is a bad reference and absolutely zero willpower to pull myself out of the all-consuming depression that’s already washing over me.

Cute, right?

irritation station(alternative title: my blog is so ugly that i feel annoyed just looking at it)

Okay.

So.

I'm super irritated as of late, friends, because I feel like I have so many things going on that I would like to write about...

But.

This here blog of mine?

It's hideous.

That's an extreme statement, sure, but I'm prone to those, so it's whatev. The point is I'm mega-over the look of my website, so much so that I dread dealing with it. Isn't that just downright silly? I think so, too. Luckily I have a wonderful friend who's fantastic at designing quality shit (shout out, Trevor!) who has agreed to help me with some changes. We have a little friend date set up for next Friday and I'm obnoxiously excited.

Fingers crossed for a new & improved blog in the next couple weeks! :)

In the meantime, I'll try to keep writing. I need to keep writing. That's what writers are supposed to do, right? And first and foremost, this is a place where I do just that: write. It's entertaining. It's cathartic.

It's freeing.

Of course there's the added bonus of feeling connected to other people all over the globe and having the opportunity to meet wonderful people who begin to feel like friends, but I hope this, for me, never becomes about recognition. Of any kind.

That's a struggle, though, isn't it?

Maybe that's just me.

Coolio.

Hopefully I'll put my irritations on hold long enough to actually flex the ol' writing muscles for longer than a few minutes this week. I can't wait to talk about what a beauty & a badass my friend Kelsey is, the night spent out with friends at Grapevine's somewhat famous biker bar (complete with class-act townies, oh yes), and the kickball team I just joined/helped organize (our first game is April 26th!).

There's a lot happening and the world's moving fast...sometimes I get so overwhelmed and whisked away in it all that I forget to stop, breathe, and write. And believe it or not, I need to do all three in order to not only survive, but really live.

Happy Wednesday (evening!), y'all. We're halfway to the weekend. :)

sicky

Greetings! I think I'm getting sick.

Hot apple cider, I need you.
My head is all fuzzy and my throat is all scratchy and, as a result, I'm all whiney. You're welcome, parents. But hey, the silver lining is that tomorrow I get to spend ten hours with pre-teens!

I think I'll cough on them.

Kudos and love to my mom, though, for making me cider since it's the only thing that makes my throat happy. And kudos and love to Clark Kent for being a wonderful snuggle buddy.

This is my current view. Jealous?
Hugs and kisses, y'all.

tweet tweet

I have had the hiccups all day.

Literally.

This can't be normal.


(photo credit)
does eating sugar really work?

PS: I just realized this would be more appropriate for a tweet rather than a blog post, but oh well. Sorry, Twitterverse.

Sometimes I wonder (and worry)...





Will I always be a drifter?

mishmash: june

I can't stop watching HGTV and the World Cup and this it's because I got fired a little over two weeks ago and, therefore, have nothing else to do.


Whaaat?


I know. I knowwwwwww.


This is surprising, no? Especially since I had just gotten a raise and a promotion, like, ten days prior? To be completely honest, I'm still not entirely certain why I was let go. Our CFO, Brian, came into my office, and said "Hey, ummmmm...sorry, but it's not working out. We're letting you go. Ummmm...we love you as a person, but...yea. Sorry." HA. Honestly, though, I'm assuming they just realized that I wasn't going to be staying with them long-term, and so it was easier to let me go now and hire/train someone who was more permanent. Which is fine. I understand, and I actually agree that that's probably what's best for the company. However, it would have been super if they could have not given me incredible job security and then, BOOM!, out of the blue fire me. Handled. So. Poorly.


I could teach them a thing or two about effective & proper communication.


So, that being said and that being the scenario, I find myself once again at square one. It's frustrating, yes, and pretty overwhelming when I consider all the bills I have rolling in (which are, weird, difficult to pay without any income). But I'm comforting myself with a few realizations:


a. I totally hated working there
b. All my favorite writers/bloggers have also been fired from shit jobs
c. Perhaps this is God giving me a second chance at SUMMER!
d. Things could be way worse


Admittedly, it's taken me these two+ weeks to get to this place, the accepting place where I breathe and sleep and function normally. A lot of things had hit me all at once (ie. a huge speeding ticket, major car repairs needed, getting fired, laptop completely dying, Clark medical issues/vet bills, losing my Aggie ring, etc.). And it's not that any of these things have been solved (I am still laptop-less, dealing with my Louisiana speeding ticket, and up to my ears in vet bills & repair estimates). I guess I've just realized I can't do more than I can do, and I'll just have to be optimistic that help will come in the nick of time.


I've been here in Nac with Mitch since Tuesday because, I mean, why not? I can look for a job on his computer just as easily as on my parent's computer in Grapevine. So Clark and I have been camped out in his apartment, sleeping late and watching a lot of TV while Mitch works tennis camps and teaches lessons. Three of his best friends are coming to visit this weekend and they'll be here tonight, so that should be fun. Then tomorrow night is Caro's sister Elizabeth's wedding in Silsbee! I'm terribly excited to see Caro for the first time in two months (sickkk) and to celebrate with the Sweatt family. Monday means back to Grapevine and back to reality, but meh, that's three days away. :)


In the meantime, when I'm not sleeping, HGTVing, or World Cupping, I'm looking for teaching jobs. The same thing I've been doing since December. Ugh.


I keep reminding myself that most districts don't require their teachers to file resignations until mid- to late-July, so there's still plenty of time for me to hear something. I've literally applied for over four hundred jobs in the past six months. That's not depressing at all, right? Haha. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me that I get a call from a school in the next month or two so that I won't continue to be destitute.


For now, I think I'll call the wonderful sheriff's department in St. Landry Parish, Louisiana and excitedly learn how much money I'll get to pay them. Awesome!




PS: Oh, and my mom called yesterday afternoon to say she found my Aggie ring!! Maybe this is where my luck starts! :)

Seriously, Universe?

SERIOUSLY?

You know, if it was just small, annoying problems, that would be one thing. But it's not. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's so not.

I can't even find the words to write or speak anymore. It's like I'm in complete shock over the seemingly never-ending waves of bad luck that are crashing over me. The final straw for me? The thing that really sent me over the edge after I'd been trying to handle all the big things?

My Aggie ring went missing last night.




You win, Universe. You motherfucking win.

a banner week

Last week was, well, not my best.

I don't really want to get into just yet, but basically, it was like one shitstorm after another for five days straight, and I'm still a little dizzy from the shock & stress. I keep telling myself that things will work out for the best, God WILL provide for me, I'm lucky in so many ways, and I just need to be patient. And optimistic. And trusting.

These are not always easy things for me.

It's weird how busy I am/will be this week, all things considered, but my brother's wedding is this coming weekend and there's still so much to do. Not that I'm excited about the fact that it's my brother's wedding. Nope. I don't really care. And I'm definitely not excited to be in the wedding party (since I know none of the other bridesmaids, and the groomsmen consist of guys I hated in high school and my ex...lovely!). But at the end of the day, weddings are fun! Correction: open bars are fun! I'm bringing Mitch and Jordan as my dates (ha), and I know the three of us are going to have a blast. Northgate afterwards? Yes. Yes yes yes.

Until then, I'm one strangely busy girl.

superhuman

You know how I always talk about how terribly overwhelmed and exhausted I am by work? Because my degree was in creative writing and yet I've somehow found myself working as an accountant? For a trucking company? Well, things just got so much better.

I do two jobs now.

All by my lonesome.

It started last Friday when our CFO called me into his office and proceeded to tell me what a great job I was doing. Awesome! He said I'd really proved myself and that everyone was happy with my work, so as a reward, they were going to give me a (very) small raise and would like to also make me the Benefits Coordinator. Again, awesome! When our HR Director left on maternity leave two months ago, Brian (our CFO) had asked me to help out with some benefits work, and I happily agreed. No problem! Piece of cake! I can do this shit in my sleep! And so when he told me I'd be the new Benefits Coordinator permanently and that I was already basically doing 80% of the job anyway, I thought, "Wow, this is great. Yay for me! I rock!"

No.

No no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooo.

I was doing 80% of the job before? EIGHTY? Hmmm...more like 10%, it turns out. I'm so completely stressed and overwhelmed I could scream. My favorite part is that our CFO didn't bother to tell my boss that, "oh hey, Andrea has TWO jobs here now," so my boss is still inreasing my workload in AR.

W.

T.

F.

To sum up: I do the work of two full-time employees but still make next to nothing. Fab.

vito's ordination song, among other things

I think I'm (getting) sick.

It started when I woke up Sunday morning. Mitch and I both weren't feeling well, but we wrote it off as a very well-deserved hangover. But now it's Tuesday and, I have to say, I'm feeling about the same. Yesterday I did as much work as possible and left early to rest, ie. I "napped" from 3:45pm to 6:30 this morning. Holy hell. And how am I still tired...?

To be honest, though, I'm chronically fatigued. So far I've been managing by becoming increasingly dependent on energy drinks... Probably not the best idea. I need to visit my doctor and see what's up, but man, I hate shit like that. I just want to be healthy all the time. But, alas, it's only 8:30am and I can already feel myself fighting the urge to sleep. Goddamnit.

And listening to (completely fabulous) smooth, soothing songs like Vito's Ordination Song* by Sufjan Stevens isn't helping the matter.

...

I always knew you in your mother's arms

I have called your name

I have an idea, placed in your mind, to be a better man

I've made a crown for you

I've put it in your room

and when the bridegroom comes, there will be noise

there will be glad

and a perfect bed

when you write a poem, I know the words

I know the sounds before you write it down

when you wear your clothes, I wear them, too

I wear your shoes

and your jacket, too

I always knew you in your mother's arms

I have called you "son"

I've made amends between Father and son,

or if you haven't one...

rest in My arms

sleep in My bed

there's a design to what I did and said

*The acoustic version is also absolutely stunning.