middle schoolers: they'll straight up hit on you

Today I hung out here:

pictured: your typical social studies classroom

It goes without saying that 8th graders are a handful. I've subbed for this age plenty of times (reluctantly, I admit) and they always offer such unique challenges, ie. if I turn around for even a minute, lo and behold I'll turn back around to find some class clown standing in the corner, taking his shirt off. Whaaat?

Uhhhhh...it was an accident. You're not going to tell my teacher, are you?

What do YOU think, big shot?

Ugh. Kids.

So it's safe to say I understand that kids this age are a bit crazy, always pushing the boundaries to see how much they can get away with or what it will take to shock me. And, all right, occasionally I've encountered a strange comment, but man oh man, nothing like 6th period today.

Sixth period came in loud, and I mean LOUD. I've raised my voice to classes before, busting out the stern, disappointed teacher voice nearly daily in order to regain control, but today I had to yell. Literally. SIT. DOWN. CLOSE YOUR MOUTHS. My words was ringing in my own ears from the volume, but it worked. They sat. They closed their mouths. And for the ten minutes that lapsed as I took roll and rattled off some basic annoucements, they were quiet, but as soon as I turned to walk from the podium, it began.

The roar.

The clamor.

Thirty middle schoolers talking talking talking all at once. It was enough to drive me out of my mind, but that wasn't my problem with today. My problem was the boys. For whatever reason, I have become attractive to tween boys? Cue confusion and vomiting. For forty-five minutes, it was a string of silly lines that went from funny to downright creepy after a kid asked me, Hey, Miss Townsend, you ever tried a fourteen year old before?

...

I was litearlly stunned. Usually when kids says silly, flirty things to me, I laugh them off and remind that I'm not only too old for them, but way out of their league. This was different. After that moment, I was just... Uncomfortable. I found myself in a moment where I felt lost, unsure of what to do next, something that has rarely happened to me in the classroom, thank God.

In order to play it off and not give him the reaction that he wanted (ie. any), I ignored the comment and went about my business. It's funny how such a small moment can change your whole mood. I felt on edge, and for the rest of the period, I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I should have done something more: had him sit out in the hall, written him up, sent him down to the principal's office. Something. But I didn't know what, so I let it go.

As class was wrapping up, another student, a sweet boy about thirteen, came up to me and asked, Miss Townsend, do you know karate? 'Cause your body is KICKIN'! I laughed becasue it was funny. It just was. And it reminded me that these are just kids. They have absolutely no idea what they're saying. Even though a small line was crossed today, I know there will be other moments like this in the future as students and I map out our boundaries. As a sub, I don't have the time to establish myself as anything more than a temporary figurehead, and while most of the time that's enough, I realize now that there will be days I'm tested, days kids will come at me from out of nowhere and I'll have to handle it, have to think on my feet and figure out the best course of action.

But that's kind of the great thing about substitue teaching: I'm never really sure what will happen next. Every day is a brand new adventure and while sometimes it's hard, it's always worthwhile. I've learned so much in the past four months, so much more than I ever though I could. And I'm grateful for that.

I'd still like a Big Girl Teaching job, though.

Anyone handing those out?

I'll be glad to tell you your body is kickin' in exchange.

prom-allama-ding-dong

“You know, that’s the first dance I’ve been to in a long time and there were no slow songs. When are you supposed to get close to your woman? And I mean in a loving way, not just in a I-wanna-put-my-dick-on-you way.”
-Mitch Baker

Even if I tried, I’m not sure I could have come up with a better quote to sum up Prom 2011.

And yes, you read correctly.

Prom.

Ta-da!

Mitch and I went to prom, and not just because we’re a. creepers or b. super-creepers, but because c. I was there professionally as the photographer. Which means that actually Mitch was there for reasons a. and b. Oops.


Mitch, my mom and I getting ready for THE SINGLE GREATEST NIGHT OF OUR LIVES.

We were both really excited about it. Probably too excited. But, y’all, prom as an adult (and I use the term adult loosely, for obvious reasons) isn’t that awesome. Although, to be honest, even when I was in high school I thought prom was a total drag, but that’s probably because, as you may recall, I was a loser with bad hair, and Prom 2005: Here’s to the Night was no exception.

Anyway.

Moving on.

On the ride up to McKinney, Mitch and I took turns guessing which songs the DJ would play. We figured this would be a piece of cake because we’re young, hip and fun. We listen to not only 106.1 and 93.3, but also 97.9 AND 104.5. We know what’s going on with the music of today. Or so we thought. Can I just tell y’all that we made a list of 34 songs (and the official rules of this challenge stated that for every song you picked that was played, the other person had to buy you a drink, obvi), and out of those 34 young, hip, fun songs, only six were played. SIX. I don’t even need to tell you that out of those six, only one was mine, although I guess I just did. So not only was the playlist shit, but now I owe Mitch five beers and I have, like, four dollars, so I guess we’re keepin’ it classy with Keystone.

Unbelievable.

I blame the 6/35 on the DJ, a man who can truly be described as the real OG (here meaning the Original Guido). His excessively-bronzed skin overly accentuated his electric-white teeth, both of which I would have been willingly to overlook all that if the man would have at least played Britney Spears’ Till the World Ends as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, a techno remix of Hey, Soul Sister by Train.

Ummmmmm...

What are you doing, sir?

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

By the time the night was over and we were finally able to make the hour drive home, we were so burned out on BOOOooomOOOOooom BOOM BOOMBOOM BOOM CHIKITAH CHIKITAHCHIKITAH THUNDA THUNDA THUNDA that we just couldn’t handle anything on the radio.

So we turned on 98.7 for some golden oldies, ie. music that didn’t make me feel like I was inside a woofer. Or a strobe light.

And as we drove home, listening to the ever smooth King of Motown, we bitched about kids these days and their damn music, how it’s so loud and just a lot of noise, if you ask me, and so on and so on and so on.

Then it hit me.

We’re old.

Not old-old. Just older, I guess. What I mean is we’re not eighteen anymore, and while it’s the bitter in bittersweet to recognize the loss of (some of) my youth, I gotta tell ya, the sweet part is not only the knowledge and maturity that comes with age, but the confidence that, hell, I’m better than all those young punks.

Suckers.




*A kachillion thanks to Mitchell S. Baker for being a stellar prom date. As always, I was so proud to have you by my side.

You're pretty.

definitely better than third grade, y'know, with all the politics and the mind games

Things I’ve Learned While Substitute Teaching: second graders are YOUNG.

Like, really really young, y’all. Did you know most of them are only seven? SEVEN YEARS OLD. Holy crap. They’re still babies. I don’t know why, but this absolutely blows my mind.

I think it’s pretty obvious that I recently subbed for a second grade class. Today, actually. And you know what? Seven-year olds are also LOUD. And crazy. And really into invading your personal space. All day long they’d come up to me and stroke my arms while talking to me, lean against me, sit on the ground and try to rest their heads in my lap, hold my hand in the hallways, walk with their arms around my waist, etc. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awkward it would be if adults were like that, especially if adults were like that with people they’d only know for about an hour.

Maybe I’ll try it out.

It was adorable, though. Today was honestly all about playing mommy as opposed to teacher. There were tantrums, tears, tattling, and one girl even punched another in the stomach. Dra-ma. And it was my job to step in talk them out of their tantrums, tell them to mind their own business, and wipe away any and all tears. As far as the girl who punched another, well, she and I had a lengthy talk which ended with her sobbing and rocking back & forth in my lap. Like I said, I was on mommy-duty. Challenging, exhausting…but nice.

After school, I came home with nineteen pictures and signs that the kids made for me. Most of them talk about how much I rock (it’s true, I do), but I particularly liked the one depicting a helicopter launching missiles. He even took the time to color the helicopter to look like it was camouflaged. Stellar work, kid.

Oh, wait, I also liked the one where a girl wrote, “i love miss tea.”

Tea. T. Ha.

The one on top really captures my essence. But no, I wasn't wearing pigtails today.

Throughout this whole job application process (wherein I apply to about a thousand school districts and pray to God someone, somewhere decides to take a chance on me), I’ve wondered what grade is right for me. High school is obviously out since most of those kids are total bastards. Plus, walking into a high school makes me feel as weird and anxious as it did when I was sixteen and, no thanks, I don’t want to relive that hell everyday.

Sidenote: I was so beyond uptight and awkward in high school, y’all. Like…terribly. It’s almost painful for me to look back at the person I was at seventeen, even though my mother says I need to cut myself some slack. Oh, I also didn’t grow out of my ugly, I-don’t-know-how-to-put-on-make-up-or-do-my-hair-without-looking-like-either-a-tranny-or-a-hot-mess phase until I was twenty-one…and by twenty-one I, of course, mean twenty-four which in turn means I’m actually still growing out of it. Neat-o.

End sidenote.

Anyway, the point is I wasn’t sure what age group would be my best fit as a teacher. It’s hard to know something like that with no classroom experience. I still really feel like my heart lies in the 5th and 6th grades (ie. old enough to have personalities and get most of my jokes, but young enough to still be sweet and think I’m cool), but after today, I don’t think I’d mind rocking it in the lower elementary. Maybe.

Who knows.

PS: Today I also learned that I have no idea what second graders are supposed to know by this age. Like, are they supposed to understand subtraction? Because it took a kid roughly ninety seconds to answer me when I asked him what ten minus one was. Not kidding. Also, spelling? Do they know how to do it? I saw a girl write the sentence, “i cant wate to go to mitold skoole.” PAINFUL. Or normal?

please sign if you love miss townsend

Y'all, seriously, it's been a week since I've blogged and I feel like a perfect stranger in the blogosphere right about now.

The weekend and past several days have been busy (and, okay, a bit...tumultuous?). The high points included me already getting called a bazillion times to substitute teach, Mitch and I going to a Mavs game on Saturday night (which they won!), and having the past two days off work due to Dallas' version of Snowmaggedon. Well, Icemaggedon? Whatev. The point is DFW has all but completely shut down since yesterday morning when the entire metroplex was coated with very slick, very dangerous ice. And remember, we're TEXANS, y'all. We don't know what the shit to do in this weather.

And the low points of the weekend/week?

We won't get into those, but I will say I haven't been home all week and instead have been camping out (with my two energetic, very confused dogs) at Mitch's family's house. It's been...cozy. No, seriously, it's been fine and even relaxing to have spent the past several days all together watching Law & Order for hours on end.

Anyway, what I really wanted to tell y'all was that I had my first subbing assignment on Monday! I got the call at 5:30 AM saying a sub was needed at a nearby elementary school to cover sixth grade social studies for the day, was I interested in the job? UMMMMM YES PLEASE.

Now, let me backtrack a little bit: I was NERVOUS. And, okay, cranky from being nervous. I'd never subbed before. What if I did it wrong? What if the kids hated me and wouldn't listen and I managed the burn the whole school to the ground? I don't know, whatever. Turns out I was making a way bigger deal out of the whole thing than I needed to because it.was.AWESOME. I wish I could sub every day for the rest of my life. Why? Probably because I don't have to be regular teacher so I get to say things like, Yo, broski, close your mouth, and So...I'm Miss Townsend...and I'll be your sub today...WHAT UP. You know, the usual.

I didn't pay them to write this.

On that note, I think I'm figuring out that I just don't know how to talk to kids. I felt like I said a lot of weird things throughout my day as a sub? But, praise God, the kids seemed to love me, if only because I referred to Lil' Wayne as Weezy, baby and "wasn't 80 years old and ugly" (this apparently has been a "big problem" for the students in the past...what?). I also let each of the four classes pick team names for the day so instead of yelling HEY SIXTH GRADERS to get their attention, I got to yell things like VIPERS! ASSEMBLE! and HEYYYY LITTLE MONSTERS! (yep, Gaga-style)

Coolest sub ever?

Possibly.

After erasing the board at lunch, the second half of the day lead to this. And it's totally okay that it made me fee like a rockstar. Jealous?

The (shallow, ego-boosting) highlight of my day had to be when one of the problem kids in the class came up to me and said I was the prettiest sub they'd ever seen. Thanks, buddy! I also got home that afternoon and had ELEVEN FRIEND REQUESTS on Facebook. I didn't even know elementary school students had Facebooks? Anyway, Mitch told me I'm not allowed to accept them because of the whole teacher-student thing, which makes me sad, but I guess I understand. Meh.

All this to say subbing is great and, so far, one of the most fun things I've ever done. EVER. And while snow days are also great, I've actually been bummed to not have had the chance to work the past two days. Here's to hoping things return to normal tomorrow and I can get back at it. :)


PS: Weirdest comment of the day? One of girls (who was suuuuper strange, by the way, and kept STARING at me and saying, soooooo, do I freak you out?) came up to me, hugged me and said, After school, will you take me to Chili's and buy me a virgin margarita? Wtf?

PPS: My response? No. Why are you weird? Hey, at least I'm honest.