can't stop, won't stop: november

It's time for another round of can't stop/won't stop, featuring songs (and perhaps an album or two) I'm inexplicably obsessed with.

• Whip My Hair by Willow Smith (absolutely no shame whatsoever)
• Powerful Stuff by Sean Hayes
• Glee's cover of both Teenage Dream and Forget You (o.m.g)
• We R Who We R by Ke$ha (cue embarrassment)
• John Mayer's Continuum album - every year I turn to this as my fall/winter soundtrack (it just fits, doesn't it?)

(photo credit)

Thanks to Gwenyth Paltrow for doing such a fantastic rendition of Forget You that I've found my new go-to karaoke song. We had a good run, Benny & The Jets, but you've been replaced.

an update(alternative title: i'm out of clever ideas)

Not only is Clark still sick, but I have found myself also under the weather, meaning we've spent the past two days like this:

I know you can barely see Clark in this picture, but the important thing to notice is that I'm sleeping in my coat and scarf. I wish this was unnecessary, but it's that cold in my house.

She's still dealing with a high fever and swollen legs (seriously, break my fucking heart) and I think I've simply got a case of severe stress (do I sound like a broken record yet?). We've been a cheery duo, as you can see, but I'm really looking forward to her perking up so I can stop sulking. I suppose I could stop sulking now, though I'm not sure I want to. Where's the fun in that?

This week's hit: conquering my fear of vomit
This week's miss: cleaning dog puke off my bed (on multiple occasions)

Oh, and here's a random picture from last weekend when my friend, Jordan, got his Aggie ring. Just felt like sharing.

Jordan's sad because he hadn't received his ring yet,
and I'm happy because I'm better than him.

Here's to (it almost being) Friday!

clark kent: the girl dog with a dude's name

I may or may not have mentioned before, but Clark Kent is my dog. My female dog. It's not really that interesting of a story (how I named her, I mean), but basically I just thought it would be funny to name a dog Clark Kent. My plan was to adopt a male, so when I found a listing for "FREE PUPPIES!!!!!!" on CraigsList, I immediately emailed the family and asked if they still had any little boy puppies left. They said yes, but when we met them to pick up the puppy, surprise!, he was a she (how do you mix THAT up?). Anyway, I was all, fuck it, let's still name her Clark Kent. See? Not terribly interesting, but there you have it.



the day we brought her home (ahhh so small!)

Christmas 2009

All the same, she is hands down the light of my life, one of my single greatest joys. Clark is brilliant, does tons of tricks, and is hands down the sweetest, most affectionate (read: co-dependent?), albeit at times hyper-active, dog in the world. I love her.

my absolute favorite picture of her :)

Today when I got home from errands, however, she didn't bark or run to the door to greet me. I looked around until I finally found her curled up under the coffee table, looking strange. She wouldn't respond to me, wouldn't move; her body was burning up and her left front & back legs were completely swollen. This was my cue to freak the hell out. I rushed her to the vet and then to the animal ER (my vet wasn't in today, of course) where blood was drawn, x-rays were taken and copious amounts of medication were administered.

Results?

Clark has Shar Pei fever.

Earlier this year we took her to the vet for a similar situation (high fever, swelling) but wrote it off as a freak incident. The doctor today informed us that Shar Pei fever is hereditary (she's a mutt, but we do know, duh, that she's part Shar Pei), it's not curable and eventually leads to irreversible kidney failure.

Meaning today I became the girl who sobs publicly in the animal ER.

Fevers, swollen "knees" (called hocks), incidents like this will keep happening for, well, the rest of her life. The only thing we can do is manage the part of the fever that causes protein deposits to form in her kidneys (obviously causing kidney disease, and then failure). There's a medicine we have to track down and start her on immediately that will hopefully stave this off for as long as possible, but the part I can't over is when the doctor said that this will shorten her life significantly. I absolutely lost it.

explorer dog!

She's only a year and a half old, and I can't imagine losing her. And she's not just a dog, not to me at least. Anyway, I just needed to get all that off my chest, and I would really appreciate anyone's prayers. :)

Summer 2009, still a teeny tiny precious puppy (ie. before she turned into a dinosaur)

Summer 2010, eighty pounds and clearly too big to ride in the driver seat

fingers crossed

As much as I didn't want to leave my warm (and ridiculously) comfortable bed or disturb the eighty-pound dog sleeping to my left, I did.

People, I'm off to follow a lead.

Over the past eight days, several leads have come my way, either about actual job openings or simply substitute teaching. Now, even if these don't pan out, it feels exciting to have prospects again! The most recent tip came last night when a friend called me about a teaching job that's opened up in her school. It's a charter school in Dallas, so not too far away from Grapevine, and it would obviously be more money than I'm making now. Plus, experience! Duh! I applied online right away and emailed the school directly, but because that's clearly not enough, I'm venturing out this morning to drop by the campus myself. Hello! Please give me a job!

I admit I'm not great at marketing myself (it just feels so awkward and annoying), but I know that's my only option at this point. Groan. I can't stand (what I feel to be) hounding people. My mom says (gah, how middle school am I?) the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so I suppose I'll have to houn, er, squeak away.

Wish me luck?

with my mouth so full of questions

I've been wrestling with God lately.

And by lately I mean months and months and months.

See, I like to do things my own way. I like to be in control. It'll come as no surprise then that relinquishing said control is not an easy thing for me to do. Even though I don't make the best decisions, I still can't seem to trust that He'll do a better job. Even typing this now, I don't trust Him. I don't even trust myself. How sad is that?

Yes, I am a constant work in progress.

I mentioned yesterday that I've been going through a particularly difficult time over the past week. And while I feel my anxiety level has lowered the teensiest of bits, I know I'm not out of the woods. Anyway, I found myself reading the lyrics to Ray LaMontagne's "Hold You In My Arms," purely by chance. I know the song, sure, but as I sat here reading the words, it hit me: holy shit, this is exactly what I needed to see. My eyes welled up and I fought back tears as I thought to myself, "Okay, God, I can maybe kind of see that you're trying to get through to me here. Maybe. Kind of."

I don't profess to be a big believer in signs, but I know I'm always subconsciously looking out for them. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I need it to be. Maybe I need to take this to heart and, metaphorically, let myself fall into His arms. I hear that's the safest place to be.

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears,

It was easy to see you'd been crying

Seems like everywhere you turn, catastrophe reigns

But who really profits from the dying?

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you forever

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kiss my lips with my mouth so full of questions,

It's my worried mind that you quiet

Place your hands on my face,

Close my eyes and say, "Love is a poor man's food, don't prophesy"

I could hold you in my arms

I could hold on forever

I could hold you in my arms

I could you in my arms forever

So now we see how it is

This fist begets the spear

Weapons of war, symptoms of madness

Don't let your eyes refuse to see

Don't let your ears refuse to hear

Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness

Powerful, that's all I have to say.

goals

As I drove to work this morning, I listened to Explosions in the Sky's The Only Moment We Were Alone (side note: I so want to walk down the aisle to this song when I get married -- Mitchell, you have been informed), hoping that by listening to beautiful music I'd start to de-stress.

I have been having a hell of a week.

To be honest, I don't want to get into it. The only thing you need to know is I've been stressed, more stressed that I've ever been in my life, and definitely more stressed than I ever hope to be again. Anxiety attacks have become a daily norm (not cool, omg) and it's really starting to take a toll on me, my mind, my body, etc. The worst part about it is I don't know what to do to stop it. I can't just take my mind of it and I can't find a way to distract myself. It's horrible in a confused, lost, sleepless, miserable kind of way. Cute, right?

Anyway, as I was saying, this morning on my way to a shoot, I spent the entire drive listening to Explosions, which always seems to take me somewhere beautiful, and I decided to make a goals list (thanks, iPhone, for your Notes feature). I wrote them in no particular order, just as they happened to pop into my head and, even though my list of goals has nothing to do with my pesky little near-heart-attack-inducing problem, it made me smile. It just felt nice. :)

• See Explosions in the Sky live (in Austin or elsewhere)
• Backpack across Europe (Mitch and I have already decided that if/when we get married, this is what we'll do for our honeymoon)
• Start a family tradition
• Work in/at a job I love
• Join the Junior League (in progress)
• Live in another state
• Throw someone a surprise party
• Write for pleasure
• Name a dog "Duncan"
• Learn to make chicken fried steak (as delicious as my grandmother's)
• Roadtrip across (at least part of) America
• Read more books by Kurt Vonnegut
• Let GOD be my source of calm & peace (yikes, this one seems too tough)

when the world has fallen out from under me, i'll be found in You, still standing.

(source)

weekend.

Is it really Monday already?

I fully expected this weekend to dull me to tears, but it ended up flying by! Gotta love that. Saturday night my friend Kelsey and I ended up having an impromptu slumber party at my house, complete with my dog, Clark Kent, and her too-cute-for-words puppy, Hazel. Needless to say, Clark and Hazel are totes besties and played for hours, which made us very happy. I haven't had a slumber party in I don't even know how long, so it was fun to have some girl time with my sweet friend complete with Mad Dog (Kelsey's first MD 20/20 experience, holla!), Now & Then, and silly wedding talk, obvi.

The next day, Hazel was hungover from all the wrestling fun, as evidenced by this picture Kelsey texted to me:


Tuckered the hell out.

Oh, and Mitch shot a deer (while off hunting with our dads). Yay!

I have worked very hard to be proud of this, ie. not cry for the deer. And, yes, Mitch looks stylin' with his athletic shorts and mountain man beard.

On Sunday I ended up driving out to Forney for Mitch's little sister Morgan's senior pictures (basically this was a female-filled weekend). Morgan is 17, graduating in May (and then heading off to Texas State!), and a bit of a brat, but I love her. Mary (Mitch's mom) and I spent four hours following Morgan and the photographer around, making funny (me) and encouraging (Mary) comments. It was really fun for me to play assistant during the shoot since, duh, that's what I do for a living (I use the phrase "for a living" loosely). I'm excellent at fixing bangs, bra straps, and necklace clasps. Go me.

Fedora. I actually really like this one.

Wowww, WORK IT, Morgan.

As I've already said on Facebook, you are straight thuggin' in that mink.

Morgan is beautiful, no?

I vote she uses these for her grad announcements (for obvious reasons, haaa).

I know I've mentioned before Morgan and I's tentative BFFship, but I think it's safe to say we've once again shared a bonding experience. To commemorate the occasion (and make her feel uncomfortable), I bought us matching necklaces. HA. Mine has the letter M stamped on it, and Morgan's has the letter A. We were cute and wore them all yesterday evening. :) She loves it. I hope.

Annnnnd because I'm not very good at concluding blog posts...I'll just say everyone have a great week! :)